僕の彼女はサイボーグ
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Battle for Terra
Lost amid the shuffle as people dashed to theaters to find out if "Wolverine" was as bad as it looked or worse was this well-intentioned mid-budget gem, a semi-indie animated space opera retrofitted into a 3D release as counterprogramming. It's an imperfect film that shoots a little too high for it's own good, but fans of solid nuts-and-bolts oldschool science fiction oughtn't miss it consider how poorly this summer is shaping up for genre fans.
When I say oldschool I mean it: Despite the shiny CGI rendering, the story and setting is the exact type of stuff you'd expect to see thumbing through an old Pulp anthology with "Amazing" or "Astonishing" in the title. It's all set in and around Planet Terra, home to a race of tadpole-like floating aliens living a nominally-naturalistic existance under the benevolent rule of Elders who's only big rules seem to be "no unaproved technological advances" and "don't go near the Forbidden Place" (Yeah, that's goin' EXACTLY where you think it is, but try and act surprised anyway) which are enough to mildly-chaffe our principal hero, mechanically-inclined tomboy Mala. In any case, Terra finds itself under invasion - and, subsequently, outright attack - by spacefaring humans. These, we learn, are the last survivors of Earth - wiped out ages ago in an intergalactic Civil War and now roaming space in a deteriorating mega-ship. Deteriorating is the key word, here: They're running out of resources, and the only available planet that can be properly colonized is, well... guess. Problem: Terrans and Humans don't breath the same stuff, so "terraforming" Terra means bye-bye for the natives. This means war, with Mala and a human fighter-pilot she rescues from a crash (shockingly, that DOESN'T go where you think it's going) are caught in the middle of it.
So, the story isn't exactly original, but it plays it's well-worn hand straight and keeps the details fresh enough to mitigate the creakiness. The fact that ALL of the characters are smartly written and well-rounded makes a huge difference: The Terran Elders AREN'T religious-nut jerks... they're good guys who're somber about their decisions and practical in their motivations - when the citizens leap to the conclusion that the humans are "gods," The Elders cooly inform them that, no, they are invaders and we've got a fight to prepare for. Jim Stanton, the main human hero, stays believably conflicted about his place in the unfolding war but also retains a military-man's sense of duty. The principal villian - a human general who'd rather conquer Terra straight-on than try and negotiate a third way - is appropriately rotten but not a one-dimensional monster; there's an element of wounded weariness that suggests he really does believe he's doing the right thing in the long run ("If I sin, future generations will judge me; but without me there won't BE any future generations.") although he does have a SPECTACULAR "oh you bastard!" moment when we come to the expected "who's side are you on?" breakdown. The bulk of the humans AND the Terrans are both played as decent people trying to do the right thing, which puts a darker than usual twist on the big 3rd-act dogfight where, for a change, every death (and there's plenty) seems tragic and futile - there's not a "gotcha, sucka!!!" takedown in sight.
It's even missing the expected preachiness about the futility of war or broad eco-themes: There's no "space-Ghandi" moment of passive-resistance for the Terrans, nor some mystical "fix" for all the killing. When push comes to shove, the Terrans take to warfare and it's attendant technologies with gusto and do a fine job at going all Ewok on Earthforce's ass. "War is not the answer?" Not here, here it does the job just fine... it's just not super-happy about it.
Ultimately, the film falls short of it's own ambitions. It's a little too short to cram in all the big ideas and details it wants to, and while the Terrans are pretty interesting from a design standpoint (rarely has a "good-guy" alien race been so decidedly non-human... they don't even have LEGS!) the humans are a little too animated-looking (think "Team Fortress 2") for their own good. And, of course, being a youth-targeted film it probably wraps up a bit too tidy.
Still, those are minor quibbles. In the places that COUNT this is a fine film and easily one of the best REAL sci-fi stories to hit theatres in a long time. It's a movie that really deserves your attention, much moreso than most others out right now.
When I say oldschool I mean it: Despite the shiny CGI rendering, the story and setting is the exact type of stuff you'd expect to see thumbing through an old Pulp anthology with "Amazing" or "Astonishing" in the title. It's all set in and around Planet Terra, home to a race of tadpole-like floating aliens living a nominally-naturalistic existance under the benevolent rule of Elders who's only big rules seem to be "no unaproved technological advances" and "don't go near the Forbidden Place" (Yeah, that's goin' EXACTLY where you think it is, but try and act surprised anyway) which are enough to mildly-chaffe our principal hero, mechanically-inclined tomboy Mala. In any case, Terra finds itself under invasion - and, subsequently, outright attack - by spacefaring humans. These, we learn, are the last survivors of Earth - wiped out ages ago in an intergalactic Civil War and now roaming space in a deteriorating mega-ship. Deteriorating is the key word, here: They're running out of resources, and the only available planet that can be properly colonized is, well... guess. Problem: Terrans and Humans don't breath the same stuff, so "terraforming" Terra means bye-bye for the natives. This means war, with Mala and a human fighter-pilot she rescues from a crash (shockingly, that DOESN'T go where you think it's going) are caught in the middle of it.
So, the story isn't exactly original, but it plays it's well-worn hand straight and keeps the details fresh enough to mitigate the creakiness. The fact that ALL of the characters are smartly written and well-rounded makes a huge difference: The Terran Elders AREN'T religious-nut jerks... they're good guys who're somber about their decisions and practical in their motivations - when the citizens leap to the conclusion that the humans are "gods," The Elders cooly inform them that, no, they are invaders and we've got a fight to prepare for. Jim Stanton, the main human hero, stays believably conflicted about his place in the unfolding war but also retains a military-man's sense of duty. The principal villian - a human general who'd rather conquer Terra straight-on than try and negotiate a third way - is appropriately rotten but not a one-dimensional monster; there's an element of wounded weariness that suggests he really does believe he's doing the right thing in the long run ("If I sin, future generations will judge me; but without me there won't BE any future generations.") although he does have a SPECTACULAR "oh you bastard!" moment when we come to the expected "who's side are you on?" breakdown. The bulk of the humans AND the Terrans are both played as decent people trying to do the right thing, which puts a darker than usual twist on the big 3rd-act dogfight where, for a change, every death (and there's plenty) seems tragic and futile - there's not a "gotcha, sucka!!!" takedown in sight.
It's even missing the expected preachiness about the futility of war or broad eco-themes: There's no "space-Ghandi" moment of passive-resistance for the Terrans, nor some mystical "fix" for all the killing. When push comes to shove, the Terrans take to warfare and it's attendant technologies with gusto and do a fine job at going all Ewok on Earthforce's ass. "War is not the answer?" Not here, here it does the job just fine... it's just not super-happy about it.
Ultimately, the film falls short of it's own ambitions. It's a little too short to cram in all the big ideas and details it wants to, and while the Terrans are pretty interesting from a design standpoint (rarely has a "good-guy" alien race been so decidedly non-human... they don't even have LEGS!) the humans are a little too animated-looking (think "Team Fortress 2") for their own good. And, of course, being a youth-targeted film it probably wraps up a bit too tidy.
Still, those are minor quibbles. In the places that COUNT this is a fine film and easily one of the best REAL sci-fi stories to hit theatres in a long time. It's a movie that really deserves your attention, much moreso than most others out right now.
Saturday, 2 May 2009
Nagging "Wolverine" questions
Now that we've had time to absorb just how badly "Wolverine" sucks (99% of people who actually care if it was good or not went before Sunday) and the more-important "is the movie any good?" objective review is out of the way... now for the nitpicky movie-geek stuff regarding all the things that just don't make sense.
This of course comes with a hellaciously big SPOILER WARNING!!!
Anyway...
-Allowing for the sake of argument that pre-surgery Wolverine's bone-claws can be chalked up to an outgrowth of his accelerated healing powers (i.e. if his body can regenerate cells and tissue so quickly, it can also rapidly-generate bone growths) where exactly do they "go" when he's done with them? Do they fall off? He can't just absorb them back in - the matter would have to go somewhere.
-Speaking of claws, why would coating his main skeleton with metal cause his claws to take the shape of perfectly set, filed and weighted knife-blades?
-For THAT matter, if his claws are biological WHY do we see the blades set into his forearms on a spring-and-hinge system in his x-rays in "X-Men?"
-Given that the story basically "reveals" that the infamous Three Mile Island disaster was actually a cover-up for the damage caused during a brawl between Wolverine, Sabertooth and Weapon XI, that places the events of this story in and around about 1979. Given that, where did Stryker get all his brand-new looking computer tech? (His team's guns and other gear also look pretty post-90s, overall.)
-The opening scene's subtitle informs us that young-Wolverine's family's estate is in "Northwest Territories Canada" in (IIRC) 1864. The country we call Canada did not exist by that name until 1867, and the Northwest Territories weren't PART of it until 1870.
-No one in this film calls Victor Creed "Sabertooth," but that was the "real name" of the Sabertooth encountered in "X-Men," so it stands to reason that this is the same guy. He never brings up that Wolverine is his brother in that film, though you'd imagine he'd be surprised to see him after all this time. Now, maybe he ALSO got shot with a magic amnesia-bullet at some point, fine... but don't you think this connection might've come up when he and Toad were having their minds looked-around-in/controlled by powerful psychics (or am I misrecalling that part?)
-Evidently, Silverfox's powers of psychic suggestion are so strong that her "orders" are still in effect at a range of what would have to be hundreds of miles AND after her death. If so, why is Stryker spending so much time making a remote-control ninja frakenmutant when he has someone already in his employ who can turn ANYONE into an unquestioning soldier/assassin/whatever by tapping them on the shoulder?
-If Emma (Frost?) Silverfox's skin turns into literal diamonds - the hardest substance on earth - couldn't she have slipped her cage any time by simply dragging her hand back-and-forth across the bars really fast? It's not like any WEAPON they have can harm her.
-Professor X contacts young Cyclops while he's IN Three-Mile Island and picks him up there, which means that both of them know that the "meltdown" was actually a mutant fight. Wolverine, though he's lost his memory, is ON said Island when he wakes up and must at least know he was "on hand" shortly-after and likely during whatever went down there. Apparently, the "coincidence" of this has never once come up between these three men when they meet again years later; and somehow I doubt "the first thing I remember is waking up in the remains of 3 Mile Island" would NOT be mentioned during his various psych-sessions at X Mansion.
-Agent Zero has the mutant power to rip-off scenes from "Equilibrium," which makes him a master gunfighter. He employs these skills when sent to hunt a freshly-escaped Wolverine. During said hunt, we eventually know that Stryker already has super-special bullets that can both pierce Wolverine's skeleton AND give him amnesia. Agent Zero is NOT using these bullets because...?
-How did they actually convinced him that Silverfox was dead, since his feral senses of hearing and smell would tell him IMMEDIATELY that her heart was not stopped and that it wasn't her blood.
-Weapon XI/Deadpool's optic-blast can cut through solid stone AFTER he has been beheaded, but it doesn't go all the way through Victor Creed?
- Young Cyclops is blindfolded the whole time and never actually sees Wolverine, fine. But all the OTHER kids who go off with Xavier alongside him DID. You'd think at some point he'd ask about how the cages got opened, and that one of the dozen or so others would mention "gut with knife-hands did it," yet this never comes up when he meets Wolverine again as an adult?
...did I miss any?
This of course comes with a hellaciously big SPOILER WARNING!!!
Anyway...
-Allowing for the sake of argument that pre-surgery Wolverine's bone-claws can be chalked up to an outgrowth of his accelerated healing powers (i.e. if his body can regenerate cells and tissue so quickly, it can also rapidly-generate bone growths) where exactly do they "go" when he's done with them? Do they fall off? He can't just absorb them back in - the matter would have to go somewhere.
-Speaking of claws, why would coating his main skeleton with metal cause his claws to take the shape of perfectly set, filed and weighted knife-blades?
-For THAT matter, if his claws are biological WHY do we see the blades set into his forearms on a spring-and-hinge system in his x-rays in "X-Men?"
-Given that the story basically "reveals" that the infamous Three Mile Island disaster was actually a cover-up for the damage caused during a brawl between Wolverine, Sabertooth and Weapon XI, that places the events of this story in and around about 1979. Given that, where did Stryker get all his brand-new looking computer tech? (His team's guns and other gear also look pretty post-90s, overall.)
-The opening scene's subtitle informs us that young-Wolverine's family's estate is in "Northwest Territories Canada" in (IIRC) 1864. The country we call Canada did not exist by that name until 1867, and the Northwest Territories weren't PART of it until 1870.
-No one in this film calls Victor Creed "Sabertooth," but that was the "real name" of the Sabertooth encountered in "X-Men," so it stands to reason that this is the same guy. He never brings up that Wolverine is his brother in that film, though you'd imagine he'd be surprised to see him after all this time. Now, maybe he ALSO got shot with a magic amnesia-bullet at some point, fine... but don't you think this connection might've come up when he and Toad were having their minds looked-around-in/controlled by powerful psychics (or am I misrecalling that part?)
-Evidently, Silverfox's powers of psychic suggestion are so strong that her "orders" are still in effect at a range of what would have to be hundreds of miles AND after her death. If so, why is Stryker spending so much time making a remote-control ninja frakenmutant when he has someone already in his employ who can turn ANYONE into an unquestioning soldier/assassin/whatever by tapping them on the shoulder?
-If Emma (Frost?) Silverfox's skin turns into literal diamonds - the hardest substance on earth - couldn't she have slipped her cage any time by simply dragging her hand back-and-forth across the bars really fast? It's not like any WEAPON they have can harm her.
-Professor X contacts young Cyclops while he's IN Three-Mile Island and picks him up there, which means that both of them know that the "meltdown" was actually a mutant fight. Wolverine, though he's lost his memory, is ON said Island when he wakes up and must at least know he was "on hand" shortly-after and likely during whatever went down there. Apparently, the "coincidence" of this has never once come up between these three men when they meet again years later; and somehow I doubt "the first thing I remember is waking up in the remains of 3 Mile Island" would NOT be mentioned during his various psych-sessions at X Mansion.
-Agent Zero has the mutant power to rip-off scenes from "Equilibrium," which makes him a master gunfighter. He employs these skills when sent to hunt a freshly-escaped Wolverine. During said hunt, we eventually know that Stryker already has super-special bullets that can both pierce Wolverine's skeleton AND give him amnesia. Agent Zero is NOT using these bullets because...?
-How did they actually convinced him that Silverfox was dead, since his feral senses of hearing and smell would tell him IMMEDIATELY that her heart was not stopped and that it wasn't her blood.
-Weapon XI/Deadpool's optic-blast can cut through solid stone AFTER he has been beheaded, but it doesn't go all the way through Victor Creed?
- Young Cyclops is blindfolded the whole time and never actually sees Wolverine, fine. But all the OTHER kids who go off with Xavier alongside him DID. You'd think at some point he'd ask about how the cages got opened, and that one of the dozen or so others would mention "gut with knife-hands did it," yet this never comes up when he meets Wolverine again as an adult?
...did I miss any?
Friday, 1 May 2009
THE ANNUAL RITE OF ELECTION, SORT OF
Long time readers may remember this touching scene from around this time last year…
… and so on, and so forth.
Well, it’s that time of year again. The newly rechristened Catholic New Media Awards are up and running, and much like last year… this blog doesn’t stand a chance in hell of winning. Nor should it in any sane world. Was there ever any real possibility that I would actually get more votes than Father Z at What Does The Prayer Really Say? I mean (1) he’s much more informed than I am, (2) he’s much more prolific than I am, and (3) he doesn’t feel compelled to insert rubber monsters, ray guns, or spurting arteries into every one of his posts. (Personally I feel that last one is a serious defect in the good father’s writing style, but I concede that the majority might disagree.) So why should the results this year be any different?
However, to give the little guys like me a chance during awards season, everybody’s favorite blunk drogger over at The Crescat started The Catholic Cannonball awards as a way to have “blog awards for us "minor" bloggers... a blog award not dominated by the usual suspects.” And as it happens, The B-Movie Catechism is indeed up for a few Cannonballs this year. Now personally, I’m not giving it too much thought. I’m happy just to use this blog as a part of working out my own salvation with fear and trembling while providing a few smiles to my fellow Catholic bloggers along the way. In fact, I wasn’t even going to bring the awards up.
But there’s Tor to think of.
It just pains me to see the big guy so sad. So why not go ahead and pop on over to The Crescat on May 3rd when the voting starts and give Tor some love. He knows we probably won’t win this one either, but we gotta get more than 0.003% of the vote, don’t you think? The B-Movie Catechism; where 0.005% of the vote is a moral victory.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Short version: This movie is dogshit. Nothing interesting happens, the screenplay is wall-to-wall formula, the action scenes are tepid, the whole production is shoddy and cheap-looking, the surprises are nonexistant, the acting is universally terrible. It's almost a perfect-disaster... a COMPLETE waste of time.
Ohterwise, let's take care of this in bullet-list form, because I'm too tired and annoyed to write flowery paragraphs.
- ALL the stuff that might be interesting: Wolverine's actual age, his birth name, his original identity, his real relationship to Victor "Sabretooth" Creed? His service in the Civil War, WWI, WWII and Vietnam? That's all zipped-through in the opening credits; about 5 to 10 minutes total. Rest of the film is a series of boring action scenes expanding on stuff we were already told in the first two (good) X-Men movies.
- For the record: It's every bit as bad as X3, probably much worse in some respects.
- Yes, there's lots of famous Mutants running around in the margins, but almost no one gets named or nicknamed. It's just weak fanservice to try and distract said fans from how shitty the movie is.
- Speaking of fans... holy shit, Marvel is going to be appologizing and/or "it wasn't us"-ing to Deadpool fans for YEARS after this. I can't remember the last time I saw a character THIS abused in a franchise film.
- The "explanation" for Wolverine's eventual amnesia is just about the dumbest thing thats ever been introduced into the X-Men movies, and I'm including the mutant-making machine in #1.
- Memo to Hugh Jackman: If you can't muster the enthusiam to act-in OR produce WELL a "Wolverine"/"X-Men" movie, step aside. I know, I know, every big actor needs a foundation to hold up the less profitable stuff he REALLY wants to do and Wolverine is the only character you've ever had boxoffice success with but... sorry, you're lack of interest is showing and you've produced and starred-in an utter turkey.
- It genuinely pains me to say this, but: Let this be the end of it. Fox clearly has no ability or inclination to make a good film in this series with a Bryan Singer around to steer the ship, so let it end now. Don't bother with further "origins" films, because it's now clear that they will suck. Let it go, let it die and hopefully let the rights revert back to Marvel who MIGHT be able to salvage this dead weight. Too bad, too.... TWO of these movies were friggin' great.
EDIT: By now, almost everyone has heard about the "multiple bonus scenes" business, i.e. that the final "stinger" scene after the credits differs from screen to screen (NOT the short scene that comes in the middle of the ending credits.) MOST people are seeing an ending setting up Wolverine being in Japan for the sequel (which at this point I'd be really surprised to see happen) but SOME prints are running with an alternate bit that's supposed to mitigate the (literal and figurative) butchering of Deadpool. The Deadpool stuff was, I'm told, NOT on the leaked work-print, so how much ya wanna bet THAT'S the "scenes that needed to be finished"?
Ohterwise, let's take care of this in bullet-list form, because I'm too tired and annoyed to write flowery paragraphs.
- ALL the stuff that might be interesting: Wolverine's actual age, his birth name, his original identity, his real relationship to Victor "Sabretooth" Creed? His service in the Civil War, WWI, WWII and Vietnam? That's all zipped-through in the opening credits; about 5 to 10 minutes total. Rest of the film is a series of boring action scenes expanding on stuff we were already told in the first two (good) X-Men movies.
- For the record: It's every bit as bad as X3, probably much worse in some respects.
- Yes, there's lots of famous Mutants running around in the margins, but almost no one gets named or nicknamed. It's just weak fanservice to try and distract said fans from how shitty the movie is.
- Speaking of fans... holy shit, Marvel is going to be appologizing and/or "it wasn't us"-ing to Deadpool fans for YEARS after this. I can't remember the last time I saw a character THIS abused in a franchise film.
- The "explanation" for Wolverine's eventual amnesia is just about the dumbest thing thats ever been introduced into the X-Men movies, and I'm including the mutant-making machine in #1.
- Memo to Hugh Jackman: If you can't muster the enthusiam to act-in OR produce WELL a "Wolverine"/"X-Men" movie, step aside. I know, I know, every big actor needs a foundation to hold up the less profitable stuff he REALLY wants to do and Wolverine is the only character you've ever had boxoffice success with but... sorry, you're lack of interest is showing and you've produced and starred-in an utter turkey.
- It genuinely pains me to say this, but: Let this be the end of it. Fox clearly has no ability or inclination to make a good film in this series with a Bryan Singer around to steer the ship, so let it end now. Don't bother with further "origins" films, because it's now clear that they will suck. Let it go, let it die and hopefully let the rights revert back to Marvel who MIGHT be able to salvage this dead weight. Too bad, too.... TWO of these movies were friggin' great.
EDIT: By now, almost everyone has heard about the "multiple bonus scenes" business, i.e. that the final "stinger" scene after the credits differs from screen to screen (NOT the short scene that comes in the middle of the ending credits.) MOST people are seeing an ending setting up Wolverine being in Japan for the sequel (which at this point I'd be really surprised to see happen) but SOME prints are running with an alternate bit that's supposed to mitigate the (literal and figurative) butchering of Deadpool. The Deadpool stuff was, I'm told, NOT on the leaked work-print, so how much ya wanna bet THAT'S the "scenes that needed to be finished"?
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