Wednesday 23 September 2009

Waylon Smithers to shit solid-gold brick

According to Variety, Universal has made a deal with Mattel for a live-action "Barbie" movie:
http://weblogs.variety.com/bfdealmemo/2009/09/u-turns-barbie-into-movie-star.html

No matter what else comes of it, this will almost certainly be the film with the widest gulf between how interesting it's development is versus how interesting it could ever be to watch. They never really felt the need to give this franchise a "narrative" (that I know of... ladies? Am I correct as to this?) so the question of "WTF is a movie of this even about?" is more paramount than even for also-optioned stuff like "Battleship" or "Monopoly."

Seriously: Turn off the "this is stupid" instinct for a minute and consider what the people who have to hammer a MOVIE out of this are in for. Is this a movie about this "character" as an actual person? In which case, is it actually a movie about a 5'9, 36-18-33 blonde with seemingly unlimited wealth and about 500 full-time careers? In which case... wouldn't the ONLY way that'd work be to make it something akin to a spoof? Even if so, Mattel isn't likely to let that be the direction - they guard the Barbie brand about as jealously as you'd guard an ACTUAL woman with those measurements. On the other hand, if it WAS a spoof it'd be an eerily perfect vehicle for Anna Faris (if it was a parody) or Jessica Simpson (if it was a comedy and they feel like going straight-to-DVD.)

That is, of course, assuming they want a major star - they might go looking for an unknown. Dear God, can you IMAGINE an open casting-call for "Barbie?" I picture a MASSIVE line of statuesque blonde women in wonderbras and heels wrapped around six blocks in downtown LA. And y'know what? People will be PAID to conduct those auditions. PAID!

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