Showing posts with label Weekly Newsreels. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weekly Newsreels. Show all posts

Sunday, 18 November 2018

DAILY CALL SHEET: NOVEMBER 18, 2018

Beast of Hollow Mountain

The Beast of Hollow Mountain (1956) Cowboy battles claymation cattle-eating dinosaur. Sir, I have seen Valley of Gwangi, and you are no Valley of Gwangi. TIL: When Martin of Tours isn't busy with soldiers and winemakers, he's in Guanajuato being the patron saint of cowboys.

Satan's Cheerleaders

Your daily dose of culture courtesy of Satan's Cheerleaders (1977) - "The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in another's keeping." - Dale Carnegie

newsreel 04

And finally, this bit of sad news just in. Much to the chagrin of tourists and other people who like weird things, workers in Breckenridge, CO have removed the 15-foot tall sculpture of a Isak Heartstone the troll due to complaints from local homeowners. So, if any of you are in the market for unique lawn decorations, there’s one available.

Friday, 20 April 2018

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 20, 2018

Land of the Minotaur

Land of the Minotaur (1976)  No actual minotaurs, but Donald Pleasence as a priest and Peter Cushing as a kooky cultist almost make up for it. Brian Eno does the score!?! TIL: Apparently priests dislike bad driving almost as much as they do the devil, so mind your road etiquette.

Women's Prison Massacre

Your daily dose of culture courtesy of Women's Prison Massacre (1983) - "Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is." - C. S. Lewis

Sister Marie-Agnès Valois at 98

And finally, since I’ve been playing a lot of Call of Duty: WWII with my son, this story from the BBC caught my eye. Sister Agnès-Marie Valois, an Augustinian nun who earned the nickname The Angel of Dieppe (as well as a few medals) for her care for the wounded on the beaches of France, has passed away at the age of 103. Nuns are cool. Grant your daughter eternal rest, O Lord, and may your light shine on her forever.

Monday, 26 March 2018

DAILY CALL SHEET: MARCH 26, 2018

Project Metalbeast

Project: Metalbeast (1995) Military creates werewolf with armored skin, because nothing could possibly go wrong. Something goes wrong. TIL: Medical experiments involving humans can be permitted if certain conditions are met. Creating indestructible lycanthropes doesn't meet them.

When Nature Calls

Your daily dose of culture courtesy of When Nature Calls (1985) - "To love another person is to see the face of God." - Victor Hugo

And in case you missed the (literally) big news, the City of Tokyo has unveiled its brand new Godzilla statue. Now there’s a government that has its priorities straight.

Sunday, 12 March 2017

WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Science is at it again, and The Newsreel is here to bring you the story. Now off to press!

DATELINE: CAMBRIDGE

According to a recent article at ScienceDaily, scientists at Cambridge University have managed to create an artificial mouse embryo through the use of two types of genetically modified stem cells. The stated purpose of this rather ominous sounding experiment is to further our understanding of the earliest stages of embryonic development so as to help researchers explain why more than two out of three human pregnancies fail. As Professor Zernicka-Goetz explains…

“We think that it will be possible to mimic a lot of the developmental events occurring before 14 days using human embryonic and extra-embryonic stem cells using a similar approach to our technique using mouse stem cells… We are very optimistic that this will allow us to study key events of this critical stage of human development without actually having to work on embryos. Knowing how development normally occurs will allow us to understand why it so often goes wrong.”

As hinted at in the doctor’s remarks, the so-called ‘embryo’ created by the Cambridge team is not quite the same as the real thing. The article states…

“It is unlikely that it would develop further into a healthy fetus… To do so, it would likely need the third form of stem cell, which would allow the development of the yolk sac, which provides nourishment for the embryo and within which a network of blood vessel develops. In addition, the system has not been optimized for the correct development of the placenta.”

As avid movie fans, however, The Newsreel can’t help but wonder just how long it is before some mad scientist type takes it upon himself to attempt those extra steps necessary to create a fully functioning artificial embryo. This might not be a good idea as, at some point in the process, you end up with Morgan. And with a 40% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, nobody wants that.

Seriously though, the possibility of a fully artificial human embryo can’t help but raise the question of ensoulment; not the age old argument over whether it is immediate or delayed, but whether it occurs at all. Would an artificial human have a soul? Or better put, since all living things have an animating soul of some sort, would an artificially created human embryo have an immortal soul made in the image of God?

Only God knows for sure, but since the Church has already accepted potential clones to be fully human, it is highly likely any being resulting from an ‘artificial’ embryo would be as well. After all, we’re not talking about robots here, but living, breathing autonomous beings developed through artificial non-procreative methods. And as Aquinas wrote in Summa Contra Gentiles, "the human soul is brought into being through the creative action of God," not through the biological processes of procreation. Given that, there’s no reason that God wouldn’t ensoul such creations if he so chose.

Even so, let’s hope the research never reaches that point, because of the overwhelming potential for the misuse and commoditization of these artificially created beings. Well, that and, you know… Morgan.

And on that note, we’ll leave you, as always, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Friday, 27 January 2017

WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. The Newsreel has been on hiatus for quite awhile, but new developments in the world of science demand we bring you this story. Off to press!

DATELINE: SAN DIEGO – Just in time for the annual March For Life, CNN reports that scientists at the Salk Institute have successfully created, and subsequently destroyed, the first ever hybrid human-pig embryo.

“They began by generating different types of human induced pluripotent stem cells -- when adult cells are turned back into stem cells -- and inserting them into pig embryos. Pigs were used because both the size and the development time for their organs are more similar to our own than, say, rats. Next, the team members implanted these embryos into sows. To test the safety and effectiveness of their work, they stopped the experiment at four weeks. Human cells within some of the embryos had begun to specialize and turn into tissue precursors, they discovered… Though the experiment with human stem cells was interrupted at 28 days, it remains the first reported case in which human stem cells have begun to grow within another species.”

It would appear scientists have finally made the first step in what is sure to be a long, slow journey towards growing viable human organs in animals for transplant. The good news is that this research is based on the use of adult stem cells, which is notable as the Catholic Church is only opposed to those forms of stem cell research that entail the destruction of human embryos. As pointed out in Donum Vitae, the "Instruction on Respect for Human Life in Its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation”…

“If the embryos are living, whether viable or not, they must be respected just like any other human person; experimentation on embryos which is not directly therapeutic is illicit.  No objective, even though noble in itself, such as a foreseeable advantage to science, to other human beings or to society, can in any way justify experimentation on living human embryos or fetuses, whether viable or not, either inside or outside the mother’s womb.”

This stand is consistent with the Church’s teachings on the dignity of all human life from birth to death, as well as its warnings regarding the inherent evils in the commoditization of human persons.

So, that’s the good news. The bad news is that we may now be one lab accident away from Wooklars.

And with that sobering thought, we’ll leave you, as always, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Friday, 14 February 2014

WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea, welcome to the latest edition of the Newsreel. This week, science goes to the movies. Now off to press.

Psychos In Love

DATELINE: ROCHESTER – Researchers at the University of Rochester have “found that couples who watched and talked about issues raised in movies like Steel Magnolias and Love Story were less likely to divorce or separate than couples in a control group. Surprisingly, the ‘Love Story’ intervention was as effective at keeping couples together as two intensive therapist-led methods.” They also found that “falling in love” movies like Sleepless in Seattle or When Harry Met Sally were not as effective at encouraging dialog as movies depicting rocky relationships like Love and Other Drugs and She’s Having a Baby. So if you’d like to get a head start on the sharing before you and your significant other get to that next Catholic marriage retreat, why not pop a chick flick into the DVD player and get things going.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead

DATELINE: DENMARK – Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark, and apparently it’s the math. Remember the running gag in Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead in which the coin flipped by Guildenstern (or maybe it was Rosencrantz) always lands on heads, even after 76 tries. Well, Evelyn Lamb, Ph.D. at Scientific American has run the numbers and decided that you would have to flip a coin at least 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times to expect a run in which you get that many consecutive heads. In other words, Guildenstern’s feat is statistically improbable. Of course, Guildenstern himself had some non-mathematical guesses as to what was going on including time being frozen, some kind of purgatorial punishment, or maybe just plain old miraculous divine intervention. Now the Catechism reminds us that miracles “are the most certain signs of divine Revelation, adapted to the intelligence of all; they are ‘motives of credibility’ (motiva credibilitatis), which show that the assent of faith is ‘by no means a blind impulse of the mind’.” In short, they are occurrences which help the rational mind accept a reality which it cannot otherwise see. Given that, would 76 consecutive heads be enough to do that for you?

Piranha

DATELINE: SCOTLAND/BRAZIL – We all know how hard it is for Catholics to find a movie in which they are depicted in a good light, but did you know that piranha have the same problem? That’s right, despite their voracious people eating behavior as depicted on the big screen, studies conducted by the University of St Andrews, Scotland and Brazil’s Mamirauá Institute would seem to indicate that piranha aren’t that bad after all. “The truth is that the majority of species of piranha (there are more than thirty) are vegetarian. Even the so-called ‘carnivorous’ types (including Pygocentrus spp.) are at best omnivorous, consuming a wide and varied diet, with a ‘meat’ component consisting of insects and small fish rather than cows and people.” And although rare attacks on humans by schools of piranha do occur, the data suggests that the real reason piranha hang around in large groups is not so they can quickly strip all the flesh off a person’s bones, but rather because it’s better protection against predators. In other words, the poor little killing machines huddle together because they’re scared of bigger killing machines. So now we know the truth. As Amy Deacon, PhD., puts it, “Science is at its most exciting and important when it can challenge deeply engrained public perceptions with facts – but it is the responsibility of scientists to convey this information more effectively than Hollywood’s sensationalized versions, and that is quite a public engagement task!” Indeed, we Catholics understand the dilemma all too well.

And with that, we’ll leave you, as always, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Monday, 20 January 2014

WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea, welcome to another edition of the Newsreel. Despite all the budget cuts around the globe, some scientists are still securing grants to conduct studies. Let’s take a look at a few, why don’t we.

You Only Live Twice

DATELINE: LONDON - According to a semi-serious study published in the British Medical Journal, “James Bond's famous catchphrase ‘shaken, not stirred’ may have stemmed from his inability to stir his drinks due to an alcohol-induced tremor affecting his hands.” Basing their assumptions on Bond’s alcohol consumption in Fleming’s original novels, the researchers determined that 007 drank more than four times the recommended limit of alcohol and probably had the shakes because of it. “We have shown that Bond's alcohol intake is of sufficiently high frequency and duration to cause such cerebellar damage,’ the researchers said. ‘He was unlikely to be able to stir his drinks, even if he would have wanted to.” We suppose that’s just another reason the Catechism suggests we cultivate the virtue of temperance to help us “avoid every kind of excess: the abuse of food, alcohol, tobacco, or medicine.” After all, we wouldn’t want a vice to cause us to develop the shakes right as we’re trying to disarm that nuclear warhead in the depths of Fort Knox.

Layout 1

DATELINE: QUEENSLAND – By comparing the demographics of the survivors of the Titanic and the Lusitania, researchers at the Queensland University of Technology have determined that “the time people have during survival situations might affect whether they behave selfishly or socially.” According to the study published in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, male passengers who had a longer time to consider their impending doom tended to act more chivalrously and in line with social expectations, whereas those who had little time to think things over seemed to follow an every man for himself course of action. As the article explains it, “when facing danger, a person's brain creates a surge of adrenaline, helping them to react quickly. This fight-or-flight reflex may last a few minutes. Not until the immediate threat has passed or the brain hormones stabilize do higher-order thoughts, such as social considerations, come back into play.” From a Catholic standpoint this seems reasonable, as the Church, following Aquinas, recognizes self preservation as a fundamental good. The Catechism notes that “love toward oneself remains a fundamental principle of morality. Therefore it is legitimate to insist on respect for one's own right to life. Someone who defends his life is not guilty of murder.” But quoting the Gospel of John, it also reminds us that “greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” In short, while the men who abandoned ship on the Lusitania shouldn’t be judged too harshly, those who remained on the Titanic so women and children might live are to be praised.

Look Who's Talking Now

DATELINE: THE INTERNET – A massive online survey of 39 people indicates that humans may use the same aural clues to determine the emotional states of babies as they do that of dogs. According to the results, “shorter calls—whether human or dog—were regarded as more emotionally positive than longer calls; and higher pitched samples were rated as more emotionally intense than lower pitched sounds for both species.” Why bother testing the obvious, you might ask? Well, “by following these same simple rules, they conclude, it may be possible to develop easily recognized artificial emotions in social robots.” Yes, it looks like scientists are already doing their best to find a way to make Spike Jonze’s Her a reality. You can read the reviews by Sr. Helena & Catholic Skywalker to find out why that might not be such a great idea.

And on that cryptic note, we’ll leave you, as always, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea, welcome to another edition of the Newsreel. We’ve been away for a short while, but our recent review of Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues at Aleteia has prompted our return. Now off to press.

Nativity 2 Danger In The Manger

DATELINE: BETHLEHEM – Unless you’ve spent the last few weeks in cave, then you’re probably well aware that Christmas, the day Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus to the Virgin Mary, will soon be upon us. Parthenogenesis, the act of reproduction in which an unfertilized egg develops into a new individual, is actually pretty common amongst certain insects and invertebrates, and occurs much less frequently in some of the lower vertebrates. But it is nigh impossible for a highly developed creature like a human, at least according to Marisa Bartolomei, a molecular geneticist at the University of Pennsylvania, due to the overwhelming number of random mutations which would be required to make the process work. “Is there a mutation that could eliminate all imprinting, so we would see that we didn’t need Dad or Mom in order to have normal development?” the doctor asks. “This is a question that people have asked a lot, and we don’t know the answer.” So unfortunately for all of us who celebrate the virgin birth of Jesus, science appears to say that no such event is ever likely to occur barring an act of God. Oh, wait…

And God Created Woman

DATELINE: INNERSPACE – In other news that comes as absolutely no surprise to Christians, but appears to have flummoxed a few scientists, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania (they sure are busy there this year) have determined that the brains of men and women are different. The study, one of the largest of its kind, indicates “greater neural connectivity from front to back and within one hemisphere in males, suggesting their brains are structured to facilitate connectivity between perception and coordinated action. In contrast, in females, the wiring goes between the left and right hemispheres, suggesting that they facilitate communication between the analytical and intuition. Ragini Verma, PhD, suggests, “These maps show us a stark difference--and complementarity--in the architecture of the human brain that helps provide a potential neural basis as to why men excel at certain tasks, and women at others.” Blessed John Paul II, who in his 2004 letter to the Bishops on the collaboration of men and women in the Church and in the world, wrote, “The second creation account (Gn 2:4-25) confirms in a definitive way the importance of sexual difference.” could not be reached for comment on the scientists’ findings, but we imagine his general reaction would be something along the lines of, “Well, duh!”

Tentacles

DATELINE: THE DEEP BLUE SEA – Speaking of the creation account, perhaps you remember the episode from Genesis wherein God allowed Adam to name all of the animals. “So the Lord God formed out of the ground various wild animals and various birds of the air, and he brought them to the man to see what he would call them; whatever the man called each of them would be its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, all the birds of the air, and all the wild animals.” Well, you know us humans, we couldn’t just let it go at that. Take the octopus for example. A recent article in the Scientific American informs us that having now given a name to each of the creature’s tentacles, scientists are now working feverishly to individually identify each of the 2,000+ suckers that line the appendages. Ah well, the Catechism does tell us that “basic scientific research, as well as applied research, is a significant expression of man's dominion over creation.” So if nothing else, this research will show those octopi that from now on there’s no way that they can sneak in an extra sucker without us knowing about it. We were left in charge here, after all.

And on that note, we’ll close out the latest of the Newsreel, ending it, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Monday, 6 May 2013

WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea, welcome to another edition of the Newsreel. This week, we have a trio of stories with a surprisingly common thread. What is it? Read, and see. And with that tease, it’s off to press…

Tarantula! (5)

DATELINE: SRI LANKA – Scientists working in Southern Asia have apparently discovered a new species of tarantula the size of a human face. Fortunately, none of the tarantulas found in Sri Lanka have proven to have bites deadly to humans. Unfortunately, the enormous arachnids have been known to enter dwellings due to massive deforestation in the area. Consequently, the benefits of a non-fatal bite seem somewhat diminished by the potentiality of heart attacks caused by finding a Giant Spider As Big As Your Freakin’ Face sitting in your living room!

Inappropriate Comedy

DATELINE: BOULDER – Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, scientists at The University of Colorado-Boulder have potentially solved a question once thought unanswerable (or is it just that nobody ever cared to ask), why do so many people find things like fart jokes and people getting kicked in the crotch funny? Studies have now determined that the average person only enjoys inappropriate/gross-out humor when the incongruous subject matter (an action or event violating moral or social norms) results in a benign outcome (no permanent damage to anyone). Most people, it would seem, have a crude streak, but they’re not monsters. Culture, it appears, also plays a part. "It's hard to find a comedy that's funny cross-culturally, because the ways that violations can be benign differ from culture to culture," says study co-author Peter McGraw. "The comedy that is funny cross-culturally tends to involve a lot of physical humor.” So heads up, aspiring filmmakers, if you want to make them laugh in China (and they’re the ones funding your films these days), avoid Woody Allen style dialog and have your actors punch each other in the cajones instead.

Bang Boom Bang

DATELINE: HOLLYWOOD – And finally, after years of being considered a Hollywood myth, it now appears possible to demonstrate that cars actually can explode when shot with a single bullet just like you see in the movies. It turns out that this reaction is somewhat akin to the explosions which occasionally occur at flour and sugar factories when heated metal shavings float through the air and come in contact with inert gases. Obviously, the perfect storm of ingredients required for such an explosion means that such events won’t happen as frequently as they do in the movies, but they can still happen. Looks like Roger Corman might have been on to something after all.

So what do these three stories have in common? Not much, really. Well, except maybe that they illustrate scientists doing what scientists should. Science. In none of these stories is there any indication of researchers making any Dawkins-esque leaps of fancy that their discoveries have anything to say about religion, or the fact that they can pick up a test tube somehow disproves the existence of God. These studies simply tell us something about the physical world we live in, which is all we really want them to do anyway. Or as G. K. Chesterton  put it, “In these days we are accused of attacking science because we want it to be scientific. Surely there is not any undue disrespect to our doctor in saying that he is our doctor, not our priest… I want my private physician to tell me whether this or that food will kill me. It is for my private philosopher to tell me whether I ought to be killed.”

So kudos to these scientists for doing their job and leaving religion to the experts. The more scientists like them, the more we’ll get results like this…

Mystic Pizza

Scottish nutritionists have developed pizzas said to contain 30% of an adult's guideline daily amount of vitamins and minerals. That means if you eat their pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you’ll get all the nutrients you need. Pizza all day long, now that’s science we can all get behind.

And with that, we leave you until next time, closing the Newsreel, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

NEWS FLASH: MAGICIAN PRODUCES ANCIENT IDIOCY OUT OF THIN AIR

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. We interupt this blog with this news flash. As fate would have it, right on the heels of our review of Oz The Great And Powerful, the fine folks at Aleteia have also requested we take a gander at Steve Carell’s latest effort, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. Moviegoers haven’t seen this sort of magical mini-trend since 2006 when they were pummeled with the one-two punch of The Illusionist and The Prestige. Of course, this year’s presentation of prestidigitation isn’t quite as angsty as the previous go around, but still, if you like magicians, it’s not a bad time to be a ticket buyer.

But if the recent spate of pseudo-mystic movies hasn’t brought enough magic into your life, then not to worry because apparently there’s another place where you can catch a magician at work… your local church. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, according to world renowned illusionist David Copperfield, there’s one name that towers above the rest when it comes to magic craft, one man who rises above the great, the powerful, and the incredible, one man who is the greatest magician of all time, and that man is… Jesus Christ.

To be fair, the clip from TMZ provides no real context, showing nothing more than Copperfield spouting off a quick answer to some bothersome reporter. From only that brief exchange, there’s no way of telling if he’s being serious or snarky, or perhaps even a little bit of both. But it wouldn’t be unreasonable to suspect Copperfield believes what he’s saying because the notion that Jesus was simply a really good stage magician with delusions of grandeur goes back a long, long way.

The accusation seems to have first appeared in print during the 2nd century when Greek philosopher Celsus published his book On the True Doctrine: A Discourse Against the Christians. In a treatise worthy (if that’s the proper word) of Richard Dawkins, Celsus insinuated, among other things, that an adulteress Mary gave birth to Jesus illegitimately and then raised him in Egypt where he picked up the magic tricks he would later use to befuddle the poor and stupid into believing he was a god. The early church father Origen of Alexandria was so unimpressed with these arguments that he wrote Contra Celsum, a work Professor Henry Chadwick describes as “the culmination of the whole apologetic movement of the second and third centuries.” In this book, Origen systematically demolished Celsus’ arguments, pointing out some obvious inconsistencies such as the fact that your average magician doesn’t typically cure the sick or come back from the dead.

But as Origen was quick to add, the “tricks” performed by Jesus weren’t just designed to prove his superiority over others. “There would indeed be a resemblance between them” Origen wrote, “if Jesus, like the dealers in magical arts, had performed His works only for show; but now there is not a single juggler who, by means of his proceedings, invites his spectators to reform their manners, or trains those to the fear of God who are amazed at what they see, nor who tries to persuade them so to live as men who are to be justified by God. And jugglers do none of these things, because they have neither the power nor the will, nor any desire to busy themselves about the reformation of men, inasmuch as their own lives are full of the grossest and most notorious sins. But how should not He who, by the miracles which He did, induced those who beheld the excellent results to undertake the reformation of their characters, manifest Himself not only to His genuine disciples, but also to others, as a pattern of most virtuous life, in order that His disciples might devote themselves to the work of instructing men in the will of God, and that the others, after being more fully instructed by His word and character than by His miracles, as to how they were to direct their lives, might in all their conduct have a constant reference to the good pleasure of the universal God? And if such were the life of Jesus, how could any one with reason compare Him with the sect of impostors, and not, on the contrary, believe, according to the promise, that He was God, who appeared in human form to do good to our race?”

In short, miracles are indeed spectacular, but unlike with ordinary stage magicians, the important question one should ask of Jesus and the wonders he performed is not really how did he do that… but why. Of course, be it Celsus or Dawkins or even Copperfield, the skeptics don’t seem to be in too much of a hurry to ask that question. Maybe they don’t want to hear the answer.

And with that, we return you to your regularly scheduled blog, signing off as is our custom with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 55)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. It’s time again for another Newsreel, brought to you as usual by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday and bane of liturgical puppets everywhere. Now off to press.

I

We give scientists (and occasionally Notre Dame) a lot of grief here at the Newsreel, so it’s nice to be able to report they’re both up to something reasonable for a change. To start off the new year properly, The University of Notre Dame's John J. Reilly Center for Science, Technology and Values has announced its first ever list of emerging ethical dilemmas and policy issues in science and technology. Among the concerns the center sees on the horizon for scientists and laypeople alike include the possible hacking of medical devices (boobytrapped pacemakers), driverless zipcars (the Googlemobile), the potential abuse of 3-D printing (please wait, your bomb is being queued). And because the Catechism explains that “medical and scientific experimentation on animals is a morally acceptable practice if it remains within reasonable limits and contributes to caring for or saving human lives.,” the center is very concerned over the possibility of human-animal hybrids. Because, you know, that never goes very well, does it…

II

Oh well, at least it will probably take a while for scientists to get around to creating manimals. They’ll probably start tampering with something small first, like say insects. Like sometime real soon. According to an article in the Daily Mail, “Hundreds of thousands of genetically modified mosquitoes are awaiting federal approval for release into the Florida Keys as part of an experiment aimed at reducing the risk of dengue fever… The trial planned by mosquito control officials and the British company Oxitec would release non-biting male mosquitoes that have been genetically modified to pass along a birth defect that kill their progeny before reaching maturity… Only female mosquitoes bite, so the modified genetic material wouldn't be passed on to humans, Mosquito control and Oxitec officials said.” Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong with releasing genetically modified insects into the human population…

III

You know, if scientists just have to tamper with animals, maybe they should start with something that would have no affect on humans. For instance, ScienceDaily notes that “research conducted by Henkjan Honing, professor of Music Cognition at the UvA, and a team of neurobiologists headed by Hugo Merchant from the UNAM, shows that rhesus monkeys cannot detect the beat in music.” That doesn’t really seem fair, so we think scientists should spend some time teaching primates to read music. That way they could recognize the beat when it comes around. Wouldn’t that be a sweet thing to do for our simian friends? And besides, what conceivable consequences to humanity could possibly result from making monkeys smarter…

III 1/2

Well. It looks like we’re doomed if we do and doomed if we don’t. So what the heck, let’s just go ahead and make dragons…

And with that, we sign off this edition of the Newsreel, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 52)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Welcome back to the Newsreel, brought to you once again by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. This week we take yet another look into what scientists are spending all of our tax funded research dollars on. Money well spent? You be the judge. Now off to press.

Girls In The Night

I

A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research entitled “Pornography Actresses: An Assessment of the Damaged Goods Hypothesis” reports some shocking conclusions. According to the researchers, “In terms of psychological characteristics, porn actresses had higher levels of self-esteem, positive feelings, social support, sexual satisfaction, and spirituality compared to the matched group,” all of this despite the fact that “women working in porn tried more drugs, had their first sexual experience at a younger age and had more sexual partners than those in the sample group.” Right. The flaw in the study, obviously, is that the positive results are based on the secular understanding of “self-esteem”, or as we like to refer to it around here, that relativistic self-centered state of mind that judges every situation on whether or not it hurts your feelings, and one which often leads to the development of narcissism and a sense of self-entitlement. And because secularized self-esteem is based on nothing but feelings, it is by nature transient and subject to change on a moment’s notice. Ask these same women the same questions five years from now when the money has dried up, the drugs have taken their toll, and the silicone has started to leak, and it’s quite possible the results will be startlingly different. Better to stick with the Christian version of self-esteem. As Msgr. Cormac Burke writes, “The Christian's self-esteem, his or her sense of self-worth, is both simple and extraordinary, inasmuch as it combines two very contrasting extremes. On the one hand I, as a Christian, know that I am a son of God; on the other, I know that I am a sinner in need of redemption. There is no greater sense of dignity and worth, and no greater sense of misery and danger. If I die loving God and others, I am saved. If I die loving just myself, I am lost. Christian education and formation — lifetime tasks — are fundamentally aimed at helping me take stock of my dignity, to grow in it with God's help and at the same time to fight against all inbuilt tendencies such as vanity, envy, greed or lust that turn me in on myself.”

Idiocracy

II

Maybe the modern problem of not being able to distinguish between false self-esteem and true self worth lies in the fact that people are just getting dumber. At least that’s what a paper published in the journal Trends in Genetics by Stanford University researcher Gerald Crabtree suggests. According to Prof. Crabtree, “The development of our intellectual abilities and the optimization of thousands of intelligence genes probably occurred in relatively non-verbal, dispersed groups of peoples before our ancestors emerged from Africa.” Since then, it’s been a slow downward spiral of intelligence as advancements in technology have removed our need to think creatively in order to survive. A number of scientists have immediately disagreed with Crabtree’s conclusions because, well, nobody likes being called stupid, yet Crabtree stands by his hypothesis. But even if he is right, Crabtree says not to worry because by the time we’re in danger of living in a world full of morons science should be able to “magically correct” the problem through genetic manipulation. Because as we’ve learned from movies like Scanners, nothing could possibly go wrong with that idea. But an even more immediate problem than the threat of telepathic mutants is the fact that Crabtree’s time calculations may be off a decimal or two. In case the good professor didn’t notice, even though our country just went through a four year decline in which the poor became poorer and religious freedom came under serious prolonged attack, the American people just voted back in almost every Democrat and Republican who helped exacerbate the mess to begin with. You know, those geneticists might want to get to work really quick.

Sound And The Fury, The

III

If all of the wacky scientific studies we’ve shared over the past few months haven’t been enough to make you cover your ears to shut them out, then this next one is sure to do the trick. In a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, “Newcastle University scientists reveal the interaction between the region of the brain that processes sound, the auditory cortex, and the amygdala, which is active in the processing of negative emotions when we hear unpleasant sounds. Brain imaging has shown that when we hear an unpleasant noise the amygdala modulates the response of the auditory cortex heightening activity and provoking our negative reaction.” The fact that our brains actually heighten unpleasant sounds suggests to Dr Sukhbinder Kumar that our strong adverse reactions to certain noises might be a sort of primitive distress signal. This idea appears to be backed up by the top ten sounds identified by test subjects as the most unpleasant to the human ear. The list includes: 1. Knife on a bottle 2. Fork on a glass 3. Chalk on a blackboard 4. Ruler on a bottle 5. Nails on a blackboard 6. Female scream 7. Angle Grinder 8. Brakes on a cycle squealing 9. Baby crying 10. Electric drill. Since the responsorial Psalm set to a Cha Cha Cha melody which was heard at our local parish a few weeks ago mysteriously did not appear on the list, we can only assume it came in at number eleven.

Day Of The Animals

III 1/2

And in closing, we share with you this story of a deer who assaulted two men and then jumped inside their truck and stole their cigarettes. Police eventually arrived and tased the animal, but not before it finished eating the smokes. There’s probably a moral in there somewhere, but we’re still looking for it.

And on that note, we sign off the Newsreel for this week, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 50)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Welcome back to the Newsreel, brought to you once again by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. Scoentists have been keeping busy producing more studies, and we’ve been busy reading them. Now off to press.

Thinner

II

That unavoidable aroma of scented pinecones in the air can only mean that Thanksgiving and Christmas are rapidly approaching. And with them comes the inevitable worries of packing on a few extra pounds due to all those holiday meals. It’s not that being overweight is not considered a sin in and of itself, but some particular reasons for the condition, like say gluttony or laziness, can be, so this causes some Christians a bit of concern. Well, regular readers of this blog need not worry as researchers from the University of Westminster in the UK have determined that watching horror movies can help you lose weight. One specialist involved in the study explains that this is a result of the “release of fast acting adrenaline, produced during short bursts of intense stress (or in this case, brought on by fear), which is known to lower the appetite, increase the Basal Metabolic Rate and ultimately burn a higher level of calories.” So which films are your best bets for shedding a few inches? According to the study, the following flicks are are the top ten fat burners: 1. The Shining - 184 calories  2. Jaws - 161 calories  3. The Exorcist - 158 calories  4. Alien - 152 calories  5. Saw - 133 calories  6. A Nightmare on Elm Street - 118 calories  7. Paranormal Activity - 111 calories  8. The Blair Witch Project - 105 calories  9. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre - 107 calories  10. [Rec] - 101 calories. So there you go. The next time someone questions why you’re going to watch Jack Nicholson chase his son around the snow with an axe for the umpteenth dozen time, just assure that person that you’re following the teachings of the Catechism by taking reasonable care of the precious gift of physical health entrusted to you by God by burning off some excess calories.

scentofmystery

II

Speaking of aromas, do you or someone you know have a poor sense of smell. Well, according to a study out of Macquarie University in Australia, there’s a good chance one or both of you could be a psychopath. “Researchers found that those individuals who scored highly on psychopathic traits were more likely to struggle to both identify smells and tell the difference between smells, even though they knew they were smelling something. These results show that brain areas controlling olfactory processes are less efficient in individuals with psychopathic tendencies… Olfactory measures represent a potentially interesting marker for psychopathic traits, because performance expectancies are unclear in odor tests and may therefore be less susceptible to attempts to fake good or bad responses.” So the next time you’re at a parish that actually still uses incense as part of the proper veneration of the Word of God and you feel the urge to complain about it bothering your nose, at least be thankful you can actually smell it. It’s at least one sign you aren’t a lunatic.

Rat Scratch Fever

III

But just because your nose is working properly doesn’t necessarily mean your mentally healthy. Other sensory issues could indicate a problem as well. Livescience, taking note of an article in the journal the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, reports that if you feel the urge to scratch after seeing someone else do it, you could possibly be a neurotic. “Merely seeing someone else scratch activates brain centers involved in the itch response, suggesting the observation makes one itchy… [however] those study participants who were more neurotic (a tendency toward negative emotions) were more likely to experience itch contagion.” Now, this notion of compulsive itching as a sign of neurosis should come as no surprise to readers of the Bible. 2 Timothy 4:3 (RSV) tells us “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own likings.” The itching ears in this case represents the impulse people feel to avoid uncomfortable truths by seeking out messages more agreeable to their existing desires. Which if you put it all together probably makes the creeping tide of Secularism the biggest itch contagion going around right now.

III 1/2

And finally there’s this…

Sharknado

…coming straight to DVD and the SyFY Channel sometime in 2013. Enough said indeed?

And with that, we now sign off the Newsreel, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 41)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Welcome back to the Newsreel, sponsored as always by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. Now off to press.

Sin Sister

I

In case you haven’t yet heard about it elsewhere, acclaimed director Nick Cassavetes recently destroyed most of his credibility in an interview with The Wrap wherein he defended the incestuous relationship portrayed in his latest film Yellow. “We had heard a few stories where brothers and sisters were completely, absolutely in love with one another.” Cassavetes said, “You know what? This whole movie is about judgment, and lack of it, and doing what you want. Who gives a **** if people judge you? I’m not saying this is an absolute but in a way, if you’re not having kids – who gives a damn? Love who you want. Isn’t that what we say? Gay marriage – love who you want? If it’s your brother or sister it’s super-weird, but if you look at it, you’re not hurting anybody except every single person who freaks out because you’re in love with one another.” Well, gee whiz, Nick, perhaps you missed the extensive studies made on the subject of sibling incest (Cole, 1982; Higgs, Canavan, & Meyer, 1992; Russell, 1986) which concluded that "long-term effects on the individual include: shattered trust of brothers and men in general; never marrying or making poor choices in marriage; poor self-concept; sexual promiscuity and using sex as the only way to relate to men; a tendency toward revictimization, sexual and otherwise; substance abuse; depression and other psychiatric symptoms such as dissociative experiences or loss of memory for large periods of the past; confusion between intimacy and sexuality; and a lack of support from family and society, who tend to blame the victim.” You see, Nick, (or perhaps you’ll still refuse to) there’s actual real scientific reasons behind the Church’s disapproval of non-traditional sexual relationships besides some twisted desire to meddle in people’s private bedrooms.

Vendetta For The Saint

II

Speaking of misguided filmmakers, you may remember a few weeks ago when The B-Movie Catechism poked a little fun at our Protestant brethren who make well meaning, but often not very good, movies. Well, turnabout is fair play (or so we’ve heard), so it’s only right that we pass along a link to an article by Br. Gabriel Torretta, O.P., who asks the simple question, “Why are Catholic movies so bad?” “We can learn a lot about the problems of Catholic filmmaking from Christian Duguay’s new film Restless Heart, a dramatized account of St. Augustine’s life and conversion.” Br. Torretta posits. “As a film, Restless Heart has its high points, even if in general it suffers from poor pacing and uninspiring dialogue. As a biography of a great theologian, the film fares worse; recognizing the difficulties in staging most of Augustine’s life (How does one film a gradual conversion from Skepticism to Neo-platonism?), Restless Heart blithely invents a more exciting history for him, turning the troubled young professor of rhetoric into a hotshot lawyer with a devil-may-care attitude who, after cooperating in a massacre of Milanese Christians, miraculously converts and triumphs over all his adversaries, notably including a scene in which all the heretical Donatist bishops in North Africa agree that the Roman Church has the true faith, and seal their conversion with group hugs. If we abstract from the religious character of the film, we can easily understand why Restless Heart is unlikely to win any Academy Awards; whatever its other problems, it ultimately fails to entertain. Viewed from a Christian perspective, the occasional moments of real drama don’t justify vitiating one of Christianity’s most compelling conversion stories and replacing it with a boilerplate fourth-century knock-off of a John Grisham novel.” Harsh, but Br. Torretta does offer some suggestions along with his criticisms, however, so the article is definitely worth a read.

Exorcist, The (Turkish)

III

While not everyone agrees, one of the films which is generally considered among the best examples of mixing religion and celluloid storytelling is The Exorcist. So it is with some trepidation that we hear from The Vulture that writer-director Sean Durkin “is adapting the fiendish classic into a ten-episode television series… Unlike the iconic 1973 film, Durkin’s version of The Exorcist follows the events leading up to a demonic possession and especially the after-effects of how a family copes with it: In short, not well, and when medical and psychiatric explanations fail, the desperate family turns to the church, with Father Damien Karras finally brought in to attempt the exorcism.” We’ll reserve judgment until more details come out. Ten episodes could allow the story some breathing room to include details in the novel the original film didn’t have space to include. But it could also allow the whole thing to become a meandering mess. About all we can say right now is that as long as the project doesn’t take the route of John Boorman’s Exorcist II: The Heretic, which completely missed the point and tried to be spiritual without being religious (has that ever worked), it should have a decent chance of being interesting.

III 1/2

Whether it be due to over-familiarity with the material or just jaded modern sensibilities, there are some out there who have forgotten the impact The Exorcist’s portrayal of the evil of Satan had upon its release.  To help you remember…

Well, we won’t wish you pleasant dreams after that, but we will, as is our custom, sign off the Newsreel with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 38)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. It’s time for another Newsreel, sponsored yet again this week by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. Now off to press.

Evil Eye, The

I

The Washington Post notes that, in Israel, glasses that blur your vision is “the latest prescription for extreme ultra-Orthodox Jewish men who shun contact with the opposite sex… The ultra-Orthodox community’s unofficial ‘modesty patrols’ are selling glasses with special blur-inducing stickers on their lenses. The glasses provide clear vision for up to a few meters so as not to impede movement, but anything beyond that gets blurry …so they don’t have to see women they consider to be immodestly dressed.” Well, we Christians have always lived by the Gospel adage “if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.”, so we can certainly appreciate the sentiment being expressed by our Jewish friends here. But, you know, “if your eye causes you to sin, then slightly obfuscate your vision with silly eyewear” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Body Parts

II

Lest you think the Orthodox Jews are overreacting, CBS reports that “a recent study finds that our brain objectifies women as different body parts, while viewing men as a whole. The study, published in June’s European Journal of Social Psychology, was conducted by Sarah Gervais, a psychology professor at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. She conducted experiments by presenting 227 participants of the study with images of men and women, finding that men were perceived as a ‘global’ - or whole – cognitive processing level, while women were seen on a “local” cognitive processing level… ‘We don’t break people down to their parts, except when it comes to women, which is really striking. Women were perceived in the same ways that objects are viewed… We always hear that women are reduced to their sexual body parts; you hear about examples in the media all the time,’ Gervais said in the study. ‘This research takes it a step further and finds that this perception spills over to everyday women, too.” Interestingly, while Gervais’ study demonstrates the truth of the objectification of women in our culture, it doesn’t appear to offer any explanations as to why such a thing is happening. Fortunately, Pope Paul VI already tackled that problem in his 1968 encyclical Humanae Vitae (as noted in our definitely PG-13 review of Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls) and offered us a few solutions on how to combat the ill effects of the sexual revolution. Maybe in another few decades science will catch up to those as well.

Rock N Roll Nightmare Academy Vhs Front

III

Alas, it would appear that our eyes aren’t the only thing causing us trouble these days. Our ears are having problems also. Reuters passes along the information that “researchers in Spain used a huge archive known as the Million Song Dataset, which breaks down audio and lyrical content into data that can be crunched, to study pop songs from 1955 to 2010.” And what were the results? They "found evidence of a progressive homogenization of the musical discourse… [and] obtained numerical indicators that the diversity of transitions between note combinations - roughly speaking chords plus melodies - has consistently diminished in the last 50 years… They also found the so-called timbre palette has become poorer. The same note played at the same volume on, say, a piano and a guitar is said to have a different timbre, so the researchers found modern pop has a more limited variety of sounds.” Basically, they have conclusive proof that today’s pop music is vapid, monotonous, and inconsequential. We here at the B-Movie Catechism will simply let the facts stand as they are with no editorial, but if any of you feel compelled to insert your own snarky comment regarding contemporary Christian music here… we’re not going to stop you.

Spider, The

III 1/2

And finally, speaking of ears, Live Science relates the tale of “a woman who checked into China's Changsha Central Hospital Wednesday (Aug. 8) with an itchy ear [and] learned she had a small spider dwelling in her ear canal, according to news reports. It had crawled inside five days earlier while she slept.” We’re not sure if there are any spiritual insights to be discerned in this story or not, but we just couldn’t resist passing along this bit of nightmare fuel.

spider in ear

AHHH! AHHH! AAAHHHHHH!!!!

And with that we sign off this week’s Newsreel, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 34)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. It’s time for another Newsreel, sponsored once again by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. For obvious reasons, a number of people around the country this week are discussing the possible effects watching certain types of movies might have on on our psyches. It’s hardly a black and white issue, for while we must acknowledge that every person is ultimately responsible for their own actions, it would be naïve to think the stuff we fill our heads with doesn’t affect us on some level. In fact, a number of recent scientific studies suggest movies do indeed have a psychological impact on us as viewers, some good, some bad, and some potentially ugly. And with that tease, we’re off to press.

Cry-Baby

I

DATELINE: COLUMBUS – Have recent events gotten you down and you’d like to find something to help you feel better? Well, oddly enough, the solution could actually be to watch something designed to make you feel even worse than you already do. An article in Ohio State University’s Research News reports how “researchers found that watching a tragedy movie caused people to think about their own close relationships, which in turn boosted their life happiness. The result was that what seems like a negative experience - watching a sad story - made people happier by bringing attention to some positive aspects in their own lives.” But wait, if you’re down in the dumps, don’t go reaching for Requiem For A Dream or Sophie’s Choice just yet. “The key is the extent to which viewers thought about their own relationships as a result of watching the movie. The more they thought about their loved ones, the greater the increase in their happiness. Viewers who had self-centered thoughts concerning the movie – such as ‘My life isn’t as bad as the characters in this movie’ – did not see an increase in their happiness.” Or as Associate Professor Silvia Knobloch-Westerwick puts it, “Tragedies don’t boost life happiness by making viewers think more about themselves. They appeal to people because they help them to appreciate their own relationships more.” “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues” the Roman author Cicero once wrote, “but the parent of all others.”

Little Darlings

II

DATELINE: NEW HAMPSHIRE – Unfortunately, not all movies have such positive effects. A recent article in The Telegraph reports that researchers from Dartmouth College have “concluded that teenagers exposed to more sex on screen in popular films are likely to have sexual relations with more people and without using condoms. The study, based on nearly 700 popular films, found that watching love scenes could ‘fundamentally influence’ a teenager's personality… [making them] more prone to take risks in their future relationships. They also concluded that for every hour of exposure to sexual content on-screen, participants were more than five times more likely to lose their virginity within six years.” Illustrating that she holds a PhD in understatement, Dr. Ross O'Hara, who led the project, says "This study, and its confluence with other work, strongly suggests that parents need to restrict their children from seeing sexual content in movies at young ages." Since exclaiming “No @#$% Sherlock” is probably inappropriate for a religious oriented blog, we’ll stick with a simple “Amen!”

Evilspeak

III

DATELINE: ITHACA – Finally, while not an example of directly affecting our personalities, the next item still shows how our reactions to watching movies can have an impact our lives. According to The Cornell Chronicle, “By applying computer analysis to a database of movie scripts, Cornell researchers have found some clues to what makes a line memorable. The study suggests that memorable lines use familiar sentence structure but incorporate distinctive words or phrases, and they make general statements that could apply elsewhere. The latter may explain why lines like "You're gonna need a bigger boat" or "These aren't the droids you're looking for" (accompanied by a hand gesture) have become standing jokes. You can use them in a different context and apply the line to your own situation.” So what, you may be asking? Well, “while the analysis was based on movie quotes, it could have applications in marketing, politics, entertainment and social media, the researchers said… Although teaching a computer how to write memorable dialogue is probably a long way off, applications might be developed to monitor the work of human writers and evaluate it in progress, Kleinberg suggested.” In other words, we’re quickly approaching the day when some bozo stands behind his presidential podium and answers important questions with quips like "You can't handle the truth!" or “"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." The moment that happens, I suggest we revolt. (At the ballot box, of course, as Pope Leo XIII’s encyclical Diuturnum allows, but still, REVOLT!)

Bedtime For Bonzo

III 1/2

Yes, yes, we know that back in 1985 Ronald Reagan made a speech to the American Business Conference in which he stated, “I have only one thing to say to the tax increasers: Go ahead, make my day.” But he was an actor BEFORE he was president, so he gets a pass.

And with that we sign off this week’s Newsreel, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL–3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 26)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Those wacky slightly mad scientists have been at it again, which means we’re here with another Newsreel to tell you all about it. As always, the Newsreel is sponsored by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. And now, off to press.

ketchupeffect

I

DATELINE: MASSACHUSETTS – War and rumors of war? Global economic ruin? Rampant social unrest? Oh sure, the big brains will get around to solving those problems someday. Maybe. But for now, a group of mechanical engineers and nano-technologists at MIT have been hard at work developing a possible solution to what has surely been one of the most pressing issues of the modern age… how to get ketchup to come out of a bottle quicker. Their patented (and unfortunately named) LiquiGlide Condiment Lubricant appears to ensure that every drop of the sauce of your choice makes it onto your plate rather than sticking to the inside of the bottle. MIT PhD candidate Dave Smith remarks, "It’s funny: Everyone is always like, 'Why bottles? What’s the big deal?' But then you tell them the market for bottles--just the sauces alone is a $17 billion market… and if all those bottles had our coating, we estimate that we could save about one million tons of food from being thrown out every year." So you see, while they haven’t quite solved the problem of world peace yet, the folks at MIT at least seem to still be following the principle stated in the Catechism that “science and technology are precious resources when placed at the service of man and promote his integral development for the benefit of all.”

Giant Gila Monster, The

II

DATELINE: GOTHENBURG – While the idea of condiment lubricant may sound unappealing, dietary supplements made from lizard spit sounds downright revolting. But that hasn’t stopped researchers at Sweden’s University of Gothenburg from developing a new drug made from the saliva of Gila monsters. It turns out that saurian drool, or at least the naturally occurring exendin-4 found in it, is pretty effective in reducing the craving for food, and not just because the idea of putting it in your mouth is enough to turn your stomach. “In a study with rats published in the Journal of Neuroscience, Assistant Professor Karolina Skibicka and her colleagues show that exendin-4 effectively reduces the cravings for food… ‘The implications of the findings are significant’ states Suzanne Dickson, Professor of Physiology at the Sahlgrenska Academy: ‘Most dieting fails because we are obsessed with the desire to eat, especially tempting foods like sweets. As exendin-4 suppresses the cravings for food, it can help obese people to take control of their weight,’ suggests Professor Dickson. Research on exendin-4 also gives hope for new ways to treat diseases related to eating disorders, for example, compulsive overeating.” It’s for those kinds of results that the Catechism reminds us that (as we’ve previously discussed in more absurd detail) “medical and scientific experimentation on animals is a morally acceptable practice if it remains within reasonable limits and contributes to caring for or saving human lives.” Now, as to how reasonable it was for someone to dream up the idea of putting lizard spit in their mouths in the first place, we’ll just leave that to you to decide.

Loveobject

III

DATELINE: BRUSSELS – Alas, not all scientists are as creative in their thinking as the folks from Gothemburg. In this week’s installment of science telling us stuff we already knew for ages, “a new study published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, finds that both men and women see images of sexy women's bodies as objects… We see sexualized women every day on billboards, buildings, and the sides of buses and this study suggests that we think of these images as if they were objects, not people. ‘What is motivating this study is to understand to what extent people are perceiving these as human or not,’ [Philippe] Bernard says. The next step, he says, is to study how seeing all these images influences how people treat real women.” Really, that’s the next step? Well, let’s save some them time and just quote the Catechism where it states that “it does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others.” There, we just saved the government of Belgium hundreds of thousands in euros in grant money. You’re welcome.

dont-say-a-word

1/2

For those of you who might have read some of the above items and felt the urge to exclaim WTF! but don’t feel comfortable indulging in the implied profanity, have you ever considered the time honored alternative of… Wha…?

And with that we sign off another Newsreel, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.