Nothing to report...

Yeah... nothing came out recently, and I've been SWAMPED video work (of my own choosing and doing, I realize) so... not much to update. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

I'm sure I'll see "Street Fighter" before the weekend is out, at least.

CUTAWAYS

The Hudson Brothers started out as a musical group in the early 70s before moving on to headline a couple of variety shows for CBS. Finally, in 1983, they wrote and starred in Hysterical, one of the many horror parodies popping up around that time. For all you trivia nuts, yes, that’s Kate Hudson’s dad doing the driving and narrating in this clip.

Of more interest to us here at The B-Movie Catechism, however, is the fact that Hysterical wisely includes a “Crazy Ralph” as one of its targets for satire. Now just in case some of you aren’t familiar with the archetype, Crazy Ralph was a character played by Walt Gorney in the first two Friday The 13th films who spent his every scene informing the hapless camp counselors that they were inescapably doomed. Doomed! The character made such an indelible impression that almost every subsequent horror movie made in the early 80s contained a version of a Crazy Ralph who would appear from nowhere spouting his prophecy of predestined annihilation like some grizzled drunken male version of Cassandra.

Despite what it sounds like on the surface, though, don’t be tempted to arbitrarily dismiss the Crazy Ralphs as mere Calvinists. They understood, as it says in the Catechism, that “when therefore [God] establishes his eternal plan of "predestination", he includes in it each person's free response to his grace.” This seeming contradiction between destiny and choice works because “to God, all moments of time are present in their immediacy” while we mere humans are stuck experiencing time linearly. He might already know our choices, but we still have to make them. The Ralphs knew this. So while they did indeed preach predestination, their words often reflected the fact that it somehow included the protagonist’s choice to go to the camp, have a party in the deserted mine, buy the abandoned light house, whatever. So don’t turn a deaf ear to the Crazy Ralphs out there, my friends. They’re just following their calling and pointing out the impending doom. It’s up to you to choose it or not.

Extreme Movie

Thanks to Yichi

Sex Drive

Thanks to Yichi

CUTAWAYS

Here’s a little something from 2001’s The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra to waste a minute and a half of your life on.

Ah, we make fun of the scientists around here sometimes, because… well, some of them just make it so darn easy don’t they? Especially those who still cling to Darwin’s flawed brand of the theory of evolution for no other apparent reason than combating us numbskull Christians. How else do you explain doofus statements like that of Richard Dawkins when he said, “I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.”?

Wrong, you sad nitwit. As the Catechism makes clear, we Christians just believe that “by themselves [science and technology] cannot disclose the meaning of existence and of human progress.” The MEANING, get it? If I want to UNDERSTAND how my air conditioner works, I’ll turn to science. If I want to know what it MEANS that I’m actually here to sit in my air conditioned home, I’ll turn to God. Is that distinction really so hard to grasp? Perhaps the Darwinists are just following the example of their hero. As George Sim Johnston, contributing editor to CRISIS, wrote in 1996, “Darwin's real motive, as revealed by notebooks not published until the 1970s, was to get rid of a Creator, a motive he shares with modern cosmologists like Hawking and Steven Weinberg.”

Unfortunately for them, their main problem in promoting a creator-less universe is turning out to be, ironically, science. Johnston notes, “When Einstein formulated the General Theory of Relativity, which deals with gravity and the curvature of space, he was perturbed that his equations showed an expanding universe, which points to its beginning. So he introduced a fudge factor, the "cosmological constant," to keep the cosmos static. He later called this "the biggest mistake of my life." When Edwin Hubble, the American astronomer, published data in 1931 showing that the universe was indeed expanding, Einstein finally accepted "the need for a beginning." When in 1964 two scientists from Bell Labs accidentally discovered the three-degree background radiation throughout the entire universe, which can only be explained as a remnant of a super-heated Big Bang, modern cosmology came of age - and found Catholic metaphysics and theology waiting there all along.”

OUTTAKES #026

For all those wives out there who “suffer” along with their sick husbands. The movie, by the way, is Freaked from 1993, possibly the only time you’ll see a gathering which includes the likes of Randy Quaid, Deep Roy, Brooke Shields, and Mr. T in a dress.

THE MOVIEBOB OSCAR SHOW @ "The Escapist"! GO WATCH NOW!!!

Holy shit. This is too cool.

After featuring several reviews from me as stingers on "The Escapist Show," The Escapist has given me a featured spot as part of "The Escapist Presents" for my very own OSCAR SHOW! Watch here, as I attempt a thorough examination of the nominated films, a breakdown of the nomination process, a dissection of Academy Awards history but MOSTLY rant and rage about the still mega-annoying snub of "The Dark Knight."

Check me out:

Oh, and PLEASE do the main link here as well, even if the player is working. The Escapist has some cool stuff to see, and deserves your attention: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/the-escapist-presents/561-MovieBob-Oscar-Show

I'll be frank with you guys: It's been a REALLY rough two weeks for me recently. I've got two jobs outside of all the video work - and without getting into big "poor me" details ONE of them I just got laid off from and the second is soon set to close altogether. Not a great situation. But seeing this go up, and seeing the pretty positive reaction to it so far... WOW, what a ray of sunshine. Thank you ALL, seriously. And especially Russ Pitts, the video content head cheese at Escapist who reached out to me for the reviews and continues to be a great guy to do business with.

Wow.

Step Up

Thanks to Mikhail Abasov

FINAL 2008 OSCAR PREDICTIONS and IF I HAD A BALLOT

This is The End. My only friend, The End.

It all comes down to this, gang. MY PREDICTIONS for the 81st Annual Academy Awards, as well as my own personal selections IF I HAD A BALLOT. It's pretty self-explanatory. Should Win is what I HOPE wins on Sunday night. That doesn't mean I necessarily thought their work was the best of the year (for instance, I'd give Best Supporting Actress to Rosemarie DeWitt for Rachel Getting Married, but somehow she wasn't nominated), it just means that OF THE NOMINEES, this is who I would vote for. Likewise, just because I think someone WILL win, doesn't mean I think they SHOULD win. If you have an Office Oscar Pool, you can take these predictions to the bank, because they're money, baby!

There are a couple upsets sprinkled throughout, including both of the lead acting categories. Right now, the only other prognosticator picking Rourke AND Streep is Jeff Wells of Hollywood Elsewhere. I just think this is Mickey's year (Sean Penn just won for Mystic River) and Kate Winslet got nominated for the wrong performance, opening the door for Meryl Streep, who hasn't won since Sophie's Choice in 1983. I'd say she's every bit as due as Kate. Supporting Actress is a tight race (I even had difficult deciding who I'd vote for) but Penelope Cruz has a distinguished body of work behind her now, plus she's never won (sorry Marisa Tomei) and she has plenty of screentime (sorry Viola Davis), although that rarely matters in this category (ahem, Judi Dench). Original Screenplay is another one to watch. Dustin Lance Black has Milk's Best Picture nomination on his side but the Academy could choose to reward its first animated film and go with Wall-E. And no, I don't think The Curious Case of Benjamin Button will get shut-out. No way, no how. PLEASE NOTE: I will not be predicting any of the Short Film categories.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all my readers (i.e. friends and family) for checking out The InSneider. I hope you all enjoy the show and if you're in the Boston area, feel free to stop by The InSneider's temporary headquarters. It'll be a magical night to remember, so here's hoping Hugh Jackman has some surprises in store for us. So without further ado, here are my Final 2008 Oscar Predictions as well as my wishlist for Sunday night. The envelope, please...

BEST PICTURE

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

SHOULD WIN: Slumdog Millionaire
WILL WIN: Slumdog Millionaire

BEST DIRECTOR

Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Stephen Daldry, The Reader
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Gus Van Sant, Milk

SHOULD WIN: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
WILL WIN: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ACTOR

Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

SHOULD WIN: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
WILL WIN: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

BEST ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kate Winslet, The Reader

SHOULD WIN: Meryl Streep, Doubt
WILL WIN: Meryl Streep, Doubt

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Josh Brolin, Milk
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road

SHOULD WIN: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
WILL WIN: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams, Doubt
Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler

SHOULD WIN: Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler
WILL WIN: Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Dustin Lance Black, Milk
Courtney Hunt, Frozen River
Mike Leigh, Happy-Go-Lucky
Martin McDonagh, In Bruges
Andrew Stanton and Jim Reardon, Wall-E

SHOULD WIN: Martin McDonagh, In Bruges
WILL WIN: Andrew Stanton and Jim Reardon, Wall-E

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire
David Hare, The Reader
Peter Morgan, Frost/Nixon
Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
John Patrick Shanley, Doubt

SHOULD WIN: John Patrick Shanley, Doubt
WILL WIN: Simon Beaufoy, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST ANIMATED FILM

Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
Wall-E

SHOULD WIN: Kung Fu Panda
WILL WIN: Wall-E

BEST DOCUMENTARY

The Betrayal
Encounters at the End of the World
The Garden
Man on Wire
Trouble the Water

SHOULD WIN: Man on Wire
WILL WIN: Man on Wire

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

The Baader Meinhof Complex, Germany
The Class, France
Departures, Japan
Revanche, Austria
Waltz With Bashir, Israel

SHOULD WIN: Waltz With Bashir, Israel
WILL WIN: Waltz With Bashir, Israel

BEST ART DIRECTION

Changeling - Art Direction: James J. Murakami; Set Decoration: Gary Fettis
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Art Direction: Donald Graham Burt; Set Decoration: Victor J. Zolfo
The Dark Knight - Art Direction: Nathan Crowley; Set Decoration: Peter Lando
The Duchess - Art Direction: Michael Carlin; Set Decoration: Rebecca Alleway
Revolutionary Road - Art Direction: Kristi Zea; Set Decoration: Debra Schutt

SHOULD WIN: Donald Graham Burt and Victor J. Zolfo, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
WILL WIN: Donald Graham Burt and Victor J. Zolfo, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Anthony Dod Mantle, Slumdog Millionaire
Chris Menges and Roger Deakins, The Reader
Claudio Miranda, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Wally Pfister, The Dark Knight
Tom Stern, Changeling

SHOULD WIN: Claudio Miranda, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
WILL WIN: Anthony Dod Mantle, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST COSTUME DESIGN

Danny Glicker, Milk
Catherine Martin, Australia
Michael O’Connor, The Duchess
Jacqueline West, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Albert Wolsky, Revolutionary Road

SHOULD WIN: Jacqueline West, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
WILL WIN: Michael O’Connor, The Duchess

BEST EDITING

Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Lee Smith, The Dark Knight
Mike Hill and Dan Hanley, Frost/Nixon
Elliott Graham, Milk
Chris Dickens, Slumdog Millionaire

SHOULD WIN: Chris Dickens, Slumdog Millionaire
WILL WIN: Chris Dickens, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST MAKEUP

Greg Cannom, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
John Caglione, Jr. and Conor O'Sullivan, The Dark Knight
Mike Elizalde and Thom Floutz, Hellboy II: The Golden Army

SHOULD WIN: Greg Cannom, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
WILL WIN: Greg Cannom, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BEST SCORE

Alexandre Desplat, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
James Newton Howard, Defiance
Danny Elfman, Milk
A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire
Thomas Newman, Wall-E

SHOULD WIN: A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire
WILL WIN: A.R. Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire

BEST SONG

“Down to Earth,” Wall-E - Music by Peter Gabriel and Thomas Newman; Lyrics by Peter Gabriel
“Jai Ho,” Slumdog Millionaire - Music by A.R. Rahman; Lyrics by Gulzar
“O Saya,” Slumdog Millionaire - Music and Lyrics by A.R. Rahman and Maya Arulpragasm

SHOULD WIN: “Jai Ho,” Slumdog Millionaire
WILL WIN: “Jai Ho,” Slumdog Millionaire

BEST SOUND EDITING

The Dark Knight - Richard King
Iron Man - Frank Eulner and Christopher Boyes
Slumdog Millionaire - Tom Sayers
Wall-E - Ben Burtt and Matthew Wood
Wanted - Wylie Stateman

SHOULD WIN: Richard King, The Dark Knight
WILL WIN: Richard King, The Dark Knight

BEST SOUND MIXING

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Mark Weingarten
The Dark Knight - Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novick
Slumdog Millionaire - Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke and Resul Pookutty
Wall-E - Tom Myers, Michael Semanick and Ben Burtt
Wanted - Chris Jenkins, Frank A. Montano and Petr Forejt

SHOULD WIN: Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo and Ed Novick, The Dark Knight
WILL WIN: Tom Myers, Michael Semanick and Ben Burtt, Wall-E

VISUAL EFFECTS

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron
The Dark Knight - Nick Davis, Chris Corbould, Tim Webber and Paul Franklin
Iron Man - John Nelson, Ben Snow, Dan Sudick and Shane Mahan

SHOULD WIN: Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
WILL WIN: Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The Top 143 of 2008... So Far

Here they are, in a very particular set of orders. All films are judged on a 4-STAR system. Top TBD List COMING SOON!

THE STANDOUTS (24) - See these movies. They will not disappoint.

Tell No One ***1/2
Dear Zachary ***1/2
Doubt ***1/2
Man on Wire ***1/2
The Dark Knight ***1/2
Young@Heart ***1/2
Rachel Getting Married *** 1/2
The Wrestler ***1/2
Slumdog Millionaire ***1/2
Waltz with Bashir *** 1/2
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button *** 1/2
Cloverfield ***1/2
Frost/Nixon ***
Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired (It had a qualifying run in NY) ***
Bigger, Stronger, Faster: The Side Effects of Being American ***
Let the Right One In ***
Vicky Cristina Barcelona ***
The Wackness ***
The Fall ***
Wendy and Lucy ***
Gran Torino ***
Nothing But the Truth ***
The Class ***
Elite Squad ***

THE GOOD (36) - All pretty solid/entertaining movies that exceeded my expectations, which are a funny thing, in that they inherently affect what you think of the films themselves.

Pineapple Express ***
Forgetting Sarah Marshall ***
Tropic Thunder ***
What Doesn't Kill You ***
I've Loved You So Long ***
Elegy ***
The Hammer ***
In Bruges ***
Zack and Miri Make a Porno ***
Bolt ***
Kung Fu Panda ***
Shine a Light ***
U2 3D ***
W. ***
Towelhead ***
Baghead ***
Sex and the City ***
American Teen ***
Wanted ***
Step Brothers ***
Battle in Seattle ***
Transsiberian ***
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist ***
Tony Manero ***
Seven Pounds ***
Yes Man ***
The Incredible Hulk ***
Speed Racer ***
The Foot Fist Way ***
Mister Lonely ***
Ben X ***
Traitor ***
Afterschool ***
The Bank Job ***
Role Models ***
Timecrimes ***

THE GOOD BUT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTERS (21) - I wanted to like these movies more than I actually did. They're all enjoyable but they fall short of greatness. But just because they're listed here doesn't mean I liked 'The Good' films more, I just thought that the potential to be better existed and thus, they fell short of certain expectations.

Gomorrah ***
Milk ***
Revolutionary Road ***
Frozen River ***
The Reader ***
Hunger ***
Iron Man ***
Wall-E ***
Funny Games ***
Happy-Go-Lucky ** 1/2
Red **1/2
The Strangers **1/2
While She Was Out ** 1/2
Get Smart **1/2
Redbelt **1/2
Snow Angels **1/2
Body of Lies **1/2
21 **1/2
Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay **1/2
Charlie Bartlett **1/2
Paranoid Park **1/2

THE GUILTY PLEASURES (19) - People will rag on these movies but if you feel like actually giving them a chance, you should "definitely, maybe" catch up with them on DVD.

The Ruins ***
Lakeview Terrace ***
Rambo ***
Teeth ***
Trick 'r Treat **1/2
The Midnight Meat Train **1/2
Hellboy II: The Golden Army **1/2
Definitely, Maybe **1/2
Untraceable **1/2
Street Kings **1/2
Strange Wilderness **1/2
Frontier(s) **1/2
The Rocker **1/2
The Promotion **1/2
What Happens in Vegas **1/2
Drillbit Taylor **
College **
Pathology **
Mirrors **

THE UNDERWHELMING DISAPPOINTMENTS (33) - Whatever my expectations were, these movies failed to meet them for whatever reason. They all have their moments but ultimately, they're half-baked, at best.

Valkyrie **1/2
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian **1/2
Cassandra's Dream ** 1/2
Hamlet 2 **1/2
Defiance **1/2
Adam Resurrected **1/2
Quantum of Solace **
Blindness **
Burn After Reading **
Choke **
Miracle at St. Anna **
Changeling **
Pride and Glory **
Hancock **
RocknRolla **
Eagle Eye **
Four Christmases **
The Love Guru **
Super High Me **
You Don't Mess With the Zohan **
Jumper **
Vantage Point **
The Grand **
Quarantine **
Appaloosa **
Bedtime Stories **
Semi-Pro *1/2
Stop-Loss *1/2
Smart People *1/2
Be Kind Rewind *1/2
Leatherheads *1/2
Baby Mama *1/2
The Air I Breathe *1/2
Synecdoche, New York *1/2

THE ACTIVELY BAD (12) - I rolled my eyes multiple times and laughed unintentionally at all of these movies, which you should avoid at all costs. Consider yourselves warned.

Righteous Kill *1/2
Homo Erectus * 1/2
The Signal *
The Happening *
The Day the Earth Stood Still *
Anamorph *
Max Payne *
Surfer, Dude *
Saw V *
Shutter *
The Eye 1/2*
Prom Night 1/2*

COMING SOON: Che, The Visitor, Everlasting Moments, Sukiyaki Western Django, Shotgun Stories, In Search of a Midnight Kiss, Son of Rambow, Revanche, The House Bunny

Interview

SHORT FEATURE – ROBOT LOVE FROM ANOTHER WORLD

Among the questions this week’s feature, Cherry 2000, raises is whether or not love with a robot can be the real thing or not. Pizza Infinity gives us their answer in this short which won Best Picture at the 2008 Cincinnati 48 Hour Film Project and it looks like they think the answer is a resounding NO.

The Bible seems to back this up, at least in this particular instance. Who can forget the famous lines from I Corinthians 13, “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away… So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” Oh, fickle robot, true love couldn’t be erased by the passing of a simple magnet. Shame on you. Of course, your “true love” was a skanky adulterous, so it’s hard to feel too bad for her, but still…

You know, that passage of Scripture has been quoted so much, has become so familiar, I bet a lot of you skimmed over it. Doreen Truesdell, writing on Catholic Exchange this past Valentine’s Day, thinks you might not want to do that. “If you were tempted to skip over those lines, please go back and re-read them. This time try replacing every reference to the word "love" with your own name. Go ahead. It’s a sobering exercise in confronting what love really is.”

Eeek! I don’t about you, but that little drill didn’t go too well for me. Pardon me while I go find a big magnet to lay my head against in hopes I’ll forget the whole thing.

Man About Town

CUTAWAYS

I’m sure when I get around to watching Doubt I’ll find it to be well written and full of great performances from Philip Seymour Hoffman and the crew. But, man oh man, remember a time when every single priest in the movies wasn’t portrayed as some sort of sexual deviant. When 99.8% of all priests (according to Prof. Philip Jenkins) have nothing to do with the sexual abuse scandal, you would think we could have a decent one show up on film somewhere.

That’s why I was so happy when I ran across Father McFerrin here from 1991’s Teenage Exorcist. The movie itself may be utterly stupid (there’s not even a teenage exorcist in it anywhere) but it was refreshing to see a diocesan priest portrayed in a way that basically resembles most of the ones I’ve run across over the years; nice guys doing their best to minister to the needs of their parishioners. Of course, in this movie, that includes the zombified ones, but you get the point. Don’t you love how, once the fire & brimstone doesn’t work, the father goes all pastoral on the undead? Switching techniques on the fly; that’s good seminary training there.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, Archbishop of Westminster and President of the Bishop's Conference of England and Wales gave a speech a few years back where he noted, “The priesthood has taken a bit of a knocking in these past few years and I suppose many people will have the impression, perhaps not entirely wrong, that we are, on the whole, a pretty poor lot! Of course, in one sense it is true because we priests know we are weak and sinful and do not live up to the promises that we have made. I am always moved, on the Feast of St Gregory, when I read in the Office of Readings how Gregory reflects on his ministry. He goes on about his weaknesses and he ends up with this wonderful passage: Who am I? What kind of a watchman am I? I do not stand on the pinnacle of achievement. I languish rather in the depths of my weakness. And yet the Creator and Redeemer of Mankind can give me, unworthy though I be, the grace to see life whole and the power to speak effectively of it. It is for love of Him that I do not spare myself in preaching Him. I think it is a marvelous description of who we are as priests and the way in which we try to see life 'whole' and to give ourselves in preaching Christ's truth and endeavoring to live it.”

And we’re all the better for their endeavor. Thanks, guys.

The new Friday the 13th...

...sucks balls. Another horror-remake misfire from Platinum Dunes, the cadre of Michael Bay cronies who've already blown it with Texas Chainsaw and The Hitcher.

I dunno what movie everybody else on the web has seen. MINE had a decent prologue and a couple of nice boobs, but the rest? Pure shit. The kills are lame, uncreative and shockingly bloodless. The cast of victims-to-be are broad and unlikable even for THIS franchise. And since fucking WHEN is Jason Vorhees a ninja? Not only can this character we're told is a shambling, mentally-handicapped hulk scramble up a bulding like Jason Bourne, he's a crack-shot archer and a master of electrical-espionage. And why the hell does JASON, of all movie-monsters, need his own Batcave secret lair? That's like if The Wolfman had a helicopter.

COMING ATTRACTIONS: CHERRY 2000

Okay, After three weeks I think I’ve finally purged the Andromeda Strain (or whatever bug that was that I had) from my system and can get back to some serious blogging (or at least whatever kind of blogging it is that I do around here). We’re going to start off the third year of The B-Movie Catechism by quickly burning through some reader requests.

First up is the not-as-nasty-as-it-sounds, but still not for the kiddies, Cherry 2000 requested by The Sci-Fi Catholic himself, D.G.D. Davidson. If you need something to do while waiting on the review, be sure to pick up the latest issue of Mindflights which contains Deej’s novelette Dragonsaint. Along with (naturally) a dragon and a saint, the story also has forest firefighting, hidden civilizations, Baptists, and intense scenes of tea drinking. It’s excellent, go read it.

DOUBLE FEATURE: EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS & MARS ATTACKS!

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

THE TAGLINE

“Warning! Take Cover! Flying Saucers Invade Our Planet! Washington, London, Paris, Moscow Fight Back!”

THE PLOT

Expressing concern over the recent satellite launches from Earth, aliens in flying saucers attempt to contact Earth scientists to discuss the matter. Sensing an invasion, however, the military decides to open fire as the first alien emerges from his craft, a decision which leads to disastrous results for the Earth forces. To make matters worse, it turns out that the aliens truly weren’t looking for a fight, but were hoping instead to negotiate for the peaceful surrender of Earth as they didn’t want the place getting messed up before they took over. Deciding that surrender would be no better of a fate than being invaded, Earth’s military begins a desperate battle with the aliens while its scientists search frantically for a way to break through the saucer’s seemingly impenetrable force screen. (Sound familiar?) After a few costly encounters, the means to unraveling the secret finally falls within mankind’s grasp (by happy accident, not because Jeff Goldblum owns an ibook), but it may be too late as the flying saucers unleash a final all out assault on the capital cities of Earth.

THE POINT

It’s one of the most iconic images in all of 1950s B-moviedom. A disc shaped UFO spins madly out of control before nose-diving into the Washington Monument, bringing one of the United States’ most recognizable structures crashing down onto a crowd of fleeing spectators. Even if you’ve never seen Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers, there’s a good chance you’re familiar with the scene. And maybe that’s as it should be because, really, that image, and the entire climatic sequence from which it’s taken, is the whole reason this movie even exists in the first place.

It’s generally accepted that the modern UFO craze started on June 24, 1947 when Pilot Kenneth Arnold recounted seeing nine disk shaped objects in the skies near Mt. Rainier, Washington. Within the following two months there were another 853 sightings reported around the country by a panicked population. By the time the early 50s rolled around even President Truman and the CIA were getting a tad concerned, putting together the ad hoc Robertson Panel in order to formulate the government’s official public policy on UFOs. (Which amounted to something like “Don’t worry, be happy.”) In a recent interview, special effects genius Ray Harryhausen remembers, “There was a big scare about immense sightings of the flying saucers. So saucers were on the front-page things and Charles [Schneers] called me and wanted to see if we could make a picture about flying saucers. We developed a script with Curt Siodmak and then we got a screenwriter to adapt it to the screen and it worked out quite well. People still love it.”

Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers, the film which Harryhausen and producer Schneers threw together so quickly, is indeed very fondly remembered in sci-fi circles although the reasons why aren’t that obvious at first. It’s certainly not because it was the first UFO movie to grace theater screens. By 1956 moviegoers had already been treated to such true classics as The Thing From Another World, The War Of The Worlds, and a mercifully Keanu-less The Day The Earth Stood Still, not to mention scores of goofy low budget double bill fillers like, say, Devil Girl From Mars. (Not that there’s anything wrong with goofy low budget double bill fillers.) And it certainly wasn’t star power. Lead actor Hugh Marlowe is dependably heroic (it’s kind of cool how 1950s movie scientists were regular guys, not eccentric weasely geeks with ibooks), but is also equally dependable at being, as Allmovie critic Hal Erickson describes him, stiff and humorless. As for the budget, Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers is definitely on the low end of the scale, going so far as to superimpose the alien ships on top of stock footage from armed forces test films whenever it was required to show a plane or ship exploding. At first glance, the movie looks like your typical low budget time killer. (Not that there’s anything wrong with those either.) So what does this movie have which has so elevated it in the esteem of genre fans over the years?

Well, obviously, the first thing which comes to mind is Harryhausen himself. Even though he was only at the beginning of his feature length career when he worked on Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers, it doesn’t really show too much. Oh sure, the titular saucers may not be as flashy as the sword slinging skeletons and snake haired Medusas which Harryhausen would later give us, but they’re still miles ahead of the toy rockets on a string typically found in 50s movies. (Not that there’s anything… okay, I’ll stop.) Harryhausen’s meticulous artistry really shines through in the final battle sequence. “When the Washington Monument fell over after a saucer crashed into it” Harryhausen would recount, “each piece had to be animated on a wire. We couldn't afford high speed photography for that at that time. It would take a big crew, so I did it all by myself.” When asked by director Joe Dante why you couldn’t see the wires in the final picture, Harryhausen responded, “Because if you did, then I would have failed.” That dedication to his craft is why one guy was able to sit in his basement and animate the destruction of Earth’s major cities by a fleet of UFOs frame by frame, 24 frames per second, and the end result still looks better than most of the CGI stuff you get in a Sci-Fi Channel original movie.

But Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers has a bit more going for it than just being a footnote in the career of Ray Harryhausen.  You’d be hard pressed to find a more single-purposed sci-fi film in all of the fifties. The title promises you Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers and, by gum, that’s exactly what the movie gives you. Romantic subplot? Forget about it. In the very first scene we meet our lead scientist driving back from his honeymoon having already married his assistant. They spend all of four lines recounting their courtship before moving on to talk about satellites. After that, it’s all business for the next 83 minutes for Hugh and his dame. Political or philosophical subtext? Nope, no time to fret over hidden communists or blacklisting McCarthyists. In this movie, every character works towards the singular purpose of finding a way to wipe out the invaders, even those stinkin’ Ruskies. And as for character development? Well, only if dying counts as development. All of the things we supposedly clamor for in motion pictures is totally missing from Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers, and oddly, it’s a more enjoyable movie for it.

Still, wouldn’t it be great if you could keep everything good about Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers AND add all that other stuff to it?  Plus add tens of millions of dollars to the budget? That would be great! Wouldn’t it?

MARS ATTACKS!

THE TAGLINE

“Nice planet. We'll take it!”

THE PLOT

Under the guise of a diplomatic mission, aliens in flying saucers land on Earth to discuss matters. Unfortunately, since the aliens can only communicate by using the words “Ack Ack”, what is meant to be a peace offering apparently gets misinterpreted and sends the Martians into a frenzy, leading to disastrous results for the Earth’s forces. To make matters worse, a second arranged meeting turns out to be nothing more than a ruse to allow the Martians the opportunity to destroy the command structure of the United States. As Earth’s military begins a desperate battle with the aliens, a motley cross-section of misfits attempts to find a safe haven amidst the chaos.  A happy accident provides the secret to defeating the aliens, but it may be too late as the flying saucers unleash a final all out assault on the capital cities of Earth… and Las Vegas… and a trailer park.

THE POINT

It’s kind of reminiscent of one of the most iconic images in all of 1950s B-moviedom. A disc shaped UFO shoots a laser ray at the Washington Monument, bringing one of the United States’ most recognizable structures crashing down onto a crowd of fleeing boy scouts. Even if you’ve never seen 1956’s Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers, there’s a good chance you’re familiar with the slightly different original scene from that movie. And that’s exactly what Tim Burton was counting on when he made 1996’s Mars Attacks! It would seem that following his critically acclaimed biopic of legendary bad movie auteur Ed Wood, the noted director was bitten by the bug to make his own 1950s style sci-fi flick. “I grew up with this kind of movie. They’re in my blood.” Burton told Starlog Magazine in 1997. “I love the old Ray Harryhausen movies, so a lot of [Mars Attacks!] draws inspiration from those… We’re using a different technique, but still trying to capture the feeling that those movies created.”

And Mars Attacks! does try really, really hard. Unlike the same year’s Independence Day, which chose to go for a totally “realistic” portrayal of the destructive proceedings (I’m talking visually, okay. I’m well aware of all the incredible lapses in logic like those jet fighters that make 90 degree turns. Look, don’t get me started on Independence Day.), Mars Attacks! labors to retain the campiness of an old B-movie. Warner Digital Studios’ CGI saucers not only keep the design of Harryhausen’s original saucers, but also their jerky movements and whirring noises (which Harryhausen revealed to Burton came from the sounds of the sewage plant next door to his house) as well. ILM’s digitally rendered Martians are all nice and rubbery, the color schemes are Technicolor garish, and a number of the human characters, especially Pierce Brosnan’s manly pipe-puffing scientist, are pitch perfect riffs on their 1950s counterparts. Throw in references to other sci-fi classics (i.e. the human-headed dog from the 1978 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers) and outlandish scenes taken directly from the 1962 Topps Mars Attacks trading card series (the movies opens with the flaming herd of cattle from Card 22), and Mars Attacks! should be a dream come true for someone of my particular tastes.

But…

It’s got some problems. The majority of professional critics thought so too, giving it a meager 46% approval rating over on Rotten Tomatoes. A lot of those critics, Roger Ebert included, were quick to lay the blame for what’s wrong with the movie at the feet of its $70,000,000 budget. “The movie was obviously expensive” Ebert wrote, “and Burton lingers too long on the dollars onscreen. The massing of the Martian fleet continues long after we've gotten the point, for example, and the animated Martians would be funnier if we saw a lot less of them.” You hear this criticism a lot with ginormous productions like Mars Attacks! The assumption, apparently, is that having such a large budget will drive most directors to concentrate on the effects and eye candy, either simply because they can or because they feel they have to justify the expense. As a result, the movie suffers. Now you might be inclined to think, given this blog’s penchant for reveling in all things cheap, that I would rush to agree with this conclusion and condemn Mars Attacks! big wallet. But this blog also celebrates Catholicism, and as any good Catholic boy should know, the simple possession of lots of money is no more of a sin than the lack of it is necessarily a blessing.

But wait, I can hear someone asking (not really, but you gotta make these transitions somehow), didn’t Jesus flat out tell us that “blessed are the poor in spirit”? Well, yes, but like most everything else in the Bible, you have to explore that phrase a little to get at its meaning. It certainly doesn’t suggest that the physical state of being without money or assets is glorious in and of itself. Fr. Henry Charles reminds us, “Poverty, as the absence of the material resources sufficient to ground a human life, is a great disvalue… This is not the poverty that Scripture canonizes.” If it was, rather than continuously reminding us to feed and clothe them, Jesus would have told us to just leave the poor alone because, you know, they have it so good already. And the phrase isn’t meant to imply that everyone in the world should attempt to adopt a lifestyle of asceticism. St. Jerome, who did  feel called to such a life, warns us of the potential dangers that lie in that direction. “Be on your guard when you begin to mortify your body by abstinence and fasting” he wrote, “lest you imagine yourself to be perfect and a saint; for perfection does not consist in this virtue. It is only a help; a disposition; a means though a fitting one, for the attainment of true perfection.”

But if it’s not the lack of material wealth which is “blessed”, then which part of being poor is? In the simplest possible terms, it is the attitude of humility and detachment from material goods such an impoverished state can (if you allow it) engender which is to be desired. In fact, the Catechism reminds us, it is “the precept of detachment from riches [which] is obligatory for entrance into the Kingdom of heaven… All Christ's faithful are to "direct their affections rightly, lest they be hindered in their pursuit of perfect charity by the use of worldly things and by an adherence to riches which is contrary to the spirit of evangelical poverty.” That’s the point Jesus was trying to get across to the rich young man in Luke 18 whom he instructed to sell all of his goods; not that his wealth was evil, but that his disordered attachment to it was. Which is all swell, but has what exactly to do with Mars Attacks!? Well, only that it isn’t just the big budget that throws Mars Attacks! off its tracks any more than it’s the lack of a budget that makes Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers so good. Rather its Burton’s disordered attachment to the critics’ expectations that come along with having $70,000,000 and a gaggle of Academy Award winning actors to play with. He buys into the idea that he has to do something other than simply make the good old fashioned feel good B-movie he originally planned to. He seems compelled to start adding all the stuff Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers found unnecessary.

First off, he unwisely attempts to sandwich a message into the movie. “It was during the Gulf War” Burton told Premier Magazine, “when the media seemed to have taken it to another level-wars having titles and theme music-and I found it kind of disturbing. I felt like these characters were just a good cathartic shakeup of that kind of thing.” So in response to what was bothering him about current events, Burton didn’t just try to make his version of Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers, he also tried to make his version of one of the all-time satire classics, Dr. Strangelove. It’s all there; the lead actor playing multiple roles (including the president), the nut cases running the war room, one bureaucrat’s obsession with sex, the inanities of the decision making process in Washington, and so on. It’s all there… except for the laughs. You see, in direct contrast to what Roger Ebert said, when Burton sticks to the basics, just showing us the Martians and their hijinks, this is actually the fun movie Burton claimed he wanted to make. (The title promised Mars Attacks! and, by gum, that’s exactly what we want the movie to give us.) It’s hard not to smile at a scene like the one where the Martians slip in and “Ack Ack” backup for Tom Jones. It’s when the Martians are off screen and only the humans are left to try and carry the satire that things are, well, just not that funny. Glenn Close doing a one-note Nancy Reagan impersonation and Jack Nicholson doing… something… do not a Dr. Strangelove make.

Along with the stilted political commentary, Burton’s also missteps in succumbing (again) to his inescapable compulsion to lay out on camera his deepest feelings of being an outsider (despite having directed some of the most popular and successful films in history) coupled with his omnipresent daddy issues. These themes actually work well in his quieter movies like Edward Scissorhands, but in his more chaotic big budget blockbusters they just get all muddled. And in the case of Mars Attacks! they actually get a little mean spirited. Pay attention and you’ll notice that the Martians miraculously manage to avoid killing Burton’s kind of people. The put-upon teenage boy, the goth-lite presidential daughter, the new ager, the disenchanted old lady, all of the black characters (except for a thinly disguised Colin Powell); they all survive. (Okay, Tom Jones makes it too, but let’s face it, he’s just too cool to die.) The politicians, businessmen, rednecks, soldiers, reporters, scientists, and anyone else within fifty feet of being mainstream all get stomped, chomped, or disintegrated into Christmas colored skeletons. Once you notice it, Mars Attacks! starts to feel like the movie Burton was using to work off the chip he was carrying on his shoulder towards mainstream America. Is it any surprise mainstream Americans reciprocated his disdain by staying away from the ticket booths in droves?

In the end, although Burton got the look of Earth Vs. The Flying Saucers down pat, he forgot the humble attitude and singularity of purpose which guided that film to success. For all of the spectacle and genuine laughs interspersed throughout the film, Mars Attacks!, at least for me, ultimately leaves kind of a bad taste in my mouth. Ack.

THE STINGER

Thanks to everyone for their patience in waiting for me to get back to business here. That was a weird bug that laid low my household and office these last two weeks. It did give me some time to mull over some weird thoughts though. Stay tuned.

(presumably) Devastator

Well, it had to happen EVENTUALLY, but I'm still sort of surprised to see it. Courtesy Transformers Movie Chronicles, here it is: FINALLY there's (apparently) ONE decent-looking robot in a Transformers movie, and it's Devastator:

I'm actually a little conflicted, truth be told. On the one hand, it's the FIRST mecha-design in this series so far that doesn't suck on toast. Yeah, it looks like "generic CGI monster design #5" rendered in construction-vehicle parts, but at least thats better than "Terminator dressed as a pop-art junk sculpture for Halloween" like all the others. And you can see that he's technically made up of about five seperate vehicles that snap together Voltron-style (in the original versions, they also transformed into individual robots on their own called Constructicons, jury's out on if thats the case here) so they got that right. It's just somewhat of a not-unexpected downer that he doesn't look a THING like, well, Devastator. I mean, literally not even close. LESS close than Megatron, even. It's like if they had a picture up marked "New Batman costume" and it was a picture of Darkwing Duck.

In any case, if this is anything like the first one you can expect to see this fellow turn up for about five minutes right at the end, rendered barely visible by Michael Bay's attempt to pretend he's making Black Hawk Down.

Inglorious Basterds

Well, I'm certainly sold.

FWIW, the main plot of Tarantino's latest concerns a WWII U.S. Army scheme to shell-shock Nazis in occupied France by conscripting a counter-terrorism squad of Jewish soldiers and dropping them into the shit with orders to committ as many acts of violence, torture and over-the-top cruelty they can think of to every German soldier they can lay hands on, with the mandatory MINIMUM being that they collect the SCALPS of their victims, Little Big Horn style. So, "Defiance" meets "Munich" by way of "G.I. Joe." And people wonder why I love this guy...

Early tagline seems to be "There are no crimes... behind enemy lines," which unfortunately translates to "The same toolboxes who tried to appropriate Dark Knight, 300 and Order of The Phoenix as coded messages in support of The Bush Doctrine are probably gonna try and get their mitts on this, too," so if I were QT I'd try and get out in front of that with a big, solid "fuck no!" ASAP.

Thick as thieves

Thanks to Yichi

24hrs Season7

Thanks to Yichi