The Snowman (2017)

As you probably know, I'm a huge fan of Michael Fassbender which basically consists in watching all the crappy movies he has made. The Snowman is one of those. Thank god I didn't waste money to see it in the movie theater.

In a cabin in the middle of nowhere, a man (Peter Dalle) visits a boy (Leonard Heinemann) and his mother (Sofia Helin) so to test the boy and slap the mother every time the kid gets a wrong question. Then the kid sees his mother having sex with Uncle Jonas and the man runs away which leads to the kid's mother drowning in a lake inside her car (I'm still trying to figure how what the hell did even happen here). Then there's a temporal leap of 20-something years and alcoholic cop Harry Hole (Michael Fassbender) is sleeping in a bus shelter. A little later on, with the help of a new recruit (Rebecca Ferguson), he starts investigating a series of murders: the victims are all women and a freshly built snowman is always nearby.

Every single thing that happens from now on makes no sense whatsoever and it's even impossible to be explained. It's not like writing the storyline was an easy task though. There's no plot development whatsoever and as soon as the character is introduced, it's more than obvious he is the snowman killer. There's also a myriad of subplots -- one about Harry Hole being a shitty person, one about Harry Hole being a shitty father, one about Harry Hole's colleague trying to fight her mental demons, and something going on with J.K. Simmons but I'm not quite sure what that was about -- and guess what, not a single one is explored. There are just there to make this film even a bigger mess.

Which makes me feel terribly sorry for Jo Nesbø. I've only read one of his novels, The Bat, which happens to be the first in the Harry Hole series, but I know that, unless he has completely lost his mind, he would never write such a shitty book. So yeah, I'm blaming the screenwriters for this crap. 

Universal Pictures

The characters are just as bad as the plot, or whatever that is. There are so many of them and so little characterization and development, I can't even remember their names. It's impossible to connect to any of them and therefore when they were in danger, I couldn't care less about them. They could all die and it would make no difference to me. And the killer, oh Jesus, don't have me started on him. Other than being spottable immediately, he doesn't even have a motive for doing what it does. Or if he does have one, it's still an enigma to me. Before I move on, I oughta mention how bad the acting is. Ferguson is unwatchable and Fassbender, oh man, what did he has to do this to me? He is given absolutely nothing to do which resulted in him looking bored and uninterested as never before. 

But maybe he was just trying to blend in with the rest of the film. After all, this is easily the most boring crime thriller I've ever seen. There's no tension or suspense whatsoever and the pace is dreadfully slow. It still manages to be incredibly rushed at points though. 

Unfortunately, that's not all. The Snowman is also terribly shot and horrendously edited, and it has a barely decent soundtrack that barely fits the film. 

Want to know what's even more shocking? Martin Scorsese is executive producer and even wanted to direct it himself. I'm kinda wondering now if his direction would have made it work. I guess not though.