Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

I am not a fan of this series. I didn't even read the novels (I did try to read the first when it was published but only read a chapter or two and I was using the treadmill, that's how much focus I gave it). I had no interest whatsoever in knowing how the story would go but I watched Fifty Shades Freed anyway. Why? Because I have so much fun reviewing these garbage movies and Fifty Shades Freed, just like its two predecessors, falls into that category.

Believing they have left behind their past, Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) and Christian (Jamie Dornan) get married and set off on a honeymoon around the world. Turns out they did not leave their past behind after all. In fact, Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), Anastasia's ex-boss, is back and continues to threaten their relationship.

Though this is easily the film of the series with the most story, it still is terrible. It's thin, confusing, filled with pointless subplots and plot holes, terribly developed and takes some pretty weird turns. I swear I wasn't sure what the hell I was watching. A spy movie? A parody movie? A romantic movie?  A porn made by a bored housewife? Oh wait, I just described the author of the book series, didn't I?

Just like they did in Fifty Shades Darker, the filmmakers tried to add some layers of drama to the film and they failed. Just like in the previous movie, the dramatic scenes lack any tension whatsoever and are instead unintentionally funny. There's a scene at some point (I think it's at the end but I'm not sure because I kinda lost track of the running time) where Christian gets home late at night and he's drunk. Jamie Dornan is having so much fun in that scene it seems as if it's the last day of shooting and he's thinking, hell yeah, I'm finally done with this crap.

Universal Pictures

And that brings me to the next part, the cast. The filmmakers did an awesome job casting so many good-looking people, but the talent, where the hell is it? Though Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan look a little more relaxed and at ease this time around, their performances are still pretty stiff and wooden. They have no chemistry whatsoever which only makes the sex scenes --whose only purpose is to fill holes. Plot holes, what were you thinking?-- awkward and so not sexy or whatever they are supposed to be. The rest of the cast is just as bad. But, hey, at least they look good! In their defence, they didn't write the one-dimensional characters they had to play. 

The only positive thing I can say about Fifty Shades Darker, and the whole series, is that it has a good soundtrack. I still don't understand, and I guess I never will, why wasting beautiful music like that.