This Means War (2012)

As you know, I'm not a fan romantic comedies but I like Reese Witherspoon, I have a crush on Chris Pine since I was twelve and Tom Hardy, well, he's hot, so, after putting it off literally for years, I finally gave This Means War a chance. 

The story follows two CIA agents who are also best friends, Tuck (Tom Hardy) and FDR (Chris Pine), as they hit the dating scene after being benched because an international criminal, Karl Heinrich (Til Schweiger) is after them. While the first tries online dating, the latter goes for the old "picking up a lonely woman at video store" approach, and they both meet Lauren (Reese Witherspoon), a product-testing executive with no luck in love. When the two friends find out they are dating the same woman, they begin to compete with one another to win her.

The storyline alone should be enough to keep people away from this but if you are weak like me and watch anything, any sort of crap for actors you like, then you'll find yourself barely entertained by This Means War's predictable and unexciting plot filled with holes, clichés, non-clever twists and a subplot involving a German terrorist —because Germans still are the bad guys, no matter if the story is not set during WWII— that is completely wasted and adds absolutely nothing to the whole thing.

The writers didn't put a lot of thought into the characters either so all the film has to offer is shallow, clichéd characters who, if it wasn't for the actors playing them, wouldn't even be that likeable. Not to mention the number of dumb things the three main characters, especially Tuck and FDR, do throughout the film considering that they are supposed to be smart, brilliant people. It's like watching a group of retarded morons.

20th Century Fox

As I said above though, the cast does a fairly good job. Chris Pine is charming as usual as the ladies' man, and Tom Hardy also shines charisma as the desperate, divorced single father. Reese Witherspoon, on the other hand, gives a pretty flat performance as the woman craving for love and eventually getting the attention of two hot men. Chelsea Handler provides good support as Lauren's constantly horny best friend. Yes, that's all the characterization these people have.

Unfortunately, the cast is pretty much the only good thing about This Means War as the dialogue is pretty awful, the banter feels forced, the jokes are predictable and fall flat most of the time, and the action scenes lack suspense and excitement —there are fights, chases and explosions, but it's all so bland, uninspired.

Four Christmases (2008)

When I picked the Christmas movies I'd watch this year, I left the 22nd out as I was supposed to watch Aquaman on the 21st. Turns out they moved the release date to January 1 because of the new Mary Poppins movie —I hope it flops with all of my heart— and I found myself short of a movie. Four Christmases is the first I stumbled upon, I saw it had Reese Witherspoon —believe it or not, I like her— and I went with it. 

The film follows Brad (Vince Vaughn) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon), a couple who met in a bar around Christmas who has managed to avoid spending Christmas with their families for the past three years by going on heavenly vacations. This year, their plan fails as all the flights have been cancelled and a television news crew interviews them revealing to their families where they are. Having no way out, they are forced to spend time with their families, which means four Christmases the same day since both Brad and Kate parents are divorced.

I don't think I need to point out how stupid the plot is. Actually, doing that would require the film to have a plot and Four Christmases doesn't have one, it's just a sequence of random-ish events that serves as a vehicle for "jokes" and that ends in the most predictable way possible. 

Just like the plot, the characters too lack depth and any sort of development. Neither Brad nor Kate are likeable leads, and the fact that Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn has no chemistry sure doesn't help to make you root for their relationship. And I found it tremendously annoying that Brad and Kate are such out-of-the-box people, both against marriage and kids, and then, all of a sudden, Kate wants it all and, five seconds later, Brad wants it all. If anything, an experience like theirs would make me give up on the idea of having kids for good. 

New Line Cinema

As for the supporting characters, they are a wide variety of weird, odd characters. The problem? There's too many of them so none really stands out. Also, they aren't likeable at all, and having big actors —Robert Duvall, Sissy Spacek, Jon Voight, and many more— playing them doesn't help one bit.  

Neither the plot nor the characters are Four Christmases's biggest problem though, the humour is. The film is filled with idiotic, childish jokes that are just too stupid to be funny, Vaughn's sarcasm barely works here, and the gags are very generic and not funny at all. I must have chuckled something like one time while watching this film.

A Wrinkle in Time (2018)

I have a crush on Chris Pine since he did that movie with Linsday Lohan —I don't remember the title, it was something about luck, I think— so of course I wanted to see A Wrinkle in Time when it hit theatres. But then the bad, really bad reviews came and I skipped it. And I'm glad because I finally gave it a chance and it was a huge waste of time. 

The film follows Meg Murry (Storm Reid), her younger brother Charles Wallace (Deric McCabe) and her classmate Calvin (Levi Miller) as they join three magical beigns —Mrs. Whatsit (Reese Witherspoon), Mrs. Who (Mindy Kaling) and Mrs. Which (Oprah Winfrey)— to travel across the universe to search for her father (Chris Pine) who disappeared four years earlier.

I haven't read Madeleine L'Engle's novel so I don't know who is to be blamed for it, but the plot is absolutely not well put together, it does not flow smoothly as it just  jumps from place to place —at least, that's what it felt like—, it's filled with clichés and holes, and it's extremely boring.

The characters aren't any better than the plot. They are shallow, to say the least, every single one of them. It's impossible to connect with them and care about them. They have no development whatsoever and make the most idiotic decisions ever, and for no apparent reason. In other words, they are bland and uninteresting.

Just like the actors who play them. While Chris Pine tries to do something with that little he's given —there isn't a lot to do though—, the rest of the cast is just terrible. Reese Witherspoon and Oprah Winfrey are dull, and Mindy Kaling is annoying as hell and the kid actors simply can't act. When will Disney start hiring talented actors instead of these pretty but cringy kids? Also, Zach Galifianakis plays a character who had the potential to be wonderful if Michael Peña played him. Instead, they had Peña play a bland dude with red eyes.

Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

If anything, A Wrinkle in Time is visually beautiful with its nice cinematography and great special effects. Unfortunately, this cannot make up for the messy plot, the lack of any kind of action that would prevent it from being dreadfully boring, and a cast can't do anything or doesn't know what to do with the script. I can't believe Ava DuVernay, the same woman who directed Selma, made this. I just can't.

Home Again (2017)

You know when you see a trailer and you're like, wow this film looks bad? Well, that was my reaction to Home Again's trailer. But I do love Reese Witherspoon so I watched it anyway, consoling myself by telling it would be just another mediocre romantic comedy. And by the way, it looked a tiny bit fun from the trailer I'd seen months ago. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't your average rom-com but something much worse. 

Alice (Reese Witherspoon) is a recently separated mother of two who has returned home, in California, to start over and to be close to her mother (Candice Bergen), a former actress. She is also turning 40 and goes celebrate with her girlfriends. She eventually meets three young aspiring (and homeless) filmmakers and brings them home. The day after, Alice's mother shows up at her house, and, long story short (because I don't have all day and neither do you, I guess), Alice lets them stay in her guesthouse and starts dating Harry (Pico Alexander), one of the three boys. 

The plot is clichéd, predictable, idiotic, unrealistic to say the least and has no development whatsoever. The story starts in a certain way and ends in that same way. There's a lot going on in the middle, a lot of pointless subplots that have a very predictable outcome, but nothing really happens nor changes in this film. And by the way, the ending is so unsatisfactory. The May-December romance is also terrible. 

The characters are just obnoxious. They are flat, bland, one-dimensional characters, living clichés also. There's one thing I have to praise director and writer Hallie Meyers-Shyer for, writing evenly awful characters. It doesn't matter whether they are female or male characters, they all are very poorly written. And frankly, I feel sorry for Reese Witherspoon. She tries to bring her sweetness and charms into this but she ain't god hence she can't save the unsavable. And the overall acting is so dull and lifeless.

Open Road Films

But the worst is yet to come. As if that I've mentioned above wasn't enough, Home Again is also terribly unfunny. I wasn't expecting the most hilarious film of the year but frankly, mainly given the way the film's title was translated here in Italy (40 is the new 20), I was expecting a movie that would play a little on that concept. I thought it'd show this 40-year-old woman having fun, enjoying life. Instead, Alice spends most of her time worrying and not enjoying life. 

The film has its sappy moments, but not a single funny moment. I'm not sure Meyers-Shyer remembered she was writing a comedy because there aren't gags, jokes, absolutely anything in here to make you laugh. At times, Home Again feels more like a drama rather than a comedy. The problem is that there's no drama whatsoever in this film. It's absolutely flat.