THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #25 – NUDIST COLONY OF THE DEAD

So what happens when the moral majority shuts down a local clothing-optional gathering place? Why, the naturists commit mass suicide and come back as zombies to seek revenge on all those Bible thumpers, of course. What else did you think would happen?

Oddly, for a movie titled Nudist Colony of the Dead, there is very little actual bare flesh on display. What there is plenty of, however, is musical numbers Lots and lots of musical numbers. Take this little ditty, for example, in which a beleaguered believer insists she has figured out who the true villain of the movie is.

Well, I guess that’s one way to fight the devil. Truth be told, though, Old Scratch rarely sends nude zombies to terrorize us. That might happen once in a lifetime; twice tops. Normally, evil comes at us through temptation, through an appeal to our own worst impulses. As Aquinas put it…

“The temptation which comes from the enemy takes the form of a suggestion… Now a suggestion cannot be made to everybody in the same way: It must arise from those things toward which each one has an inclination. Consequently the devil does not straight away tempt the spiritual man to grave sins, but begins with lighter sins, so as gradually to lead him to those of greater magnitude.”

So yeah, there is the occasional external attack (nude zombie or otherwise), but most of the time it comes from within. Satan knows we’re our own worst enemies. Tailor your prayers accordingly.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #24 – WHITE POP JESUS

During the 70s and 80s, the Italians would rip off any movie, just as long as they could do it cheaply , a little bit sleazy, and with no concern that the finished product making any sense whatsoever. And we're not just talking about the multitude of takes on Mad Max, Star Wars, or Conan the Barbarian. You can also find low budget Italian counterfeits of Saturday Night Fever, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and believe or not, Jesus Christ Superstar.

Of course, the Italian version can't just have Jesus doing his thing in the Holy Land. That wouldn't be Italian enough. Instead, they transport the story to modern day Rome, let Jesus fight the mafia, and set it all to a disco soundtrack. Ladies and Gentle, allow me to present to you a few highlights from... White Pop Jesus!

First up we have the introductory number in which Jesus either returns from the spirit world or escapes a mental institution. It's never really made clear...

Then we have this little showstopper, in which three of White Pop Jesus' female followers extol their savior's virtues. I think...

But nothing, and I mean nothing, tops the temptation of Christ by drugs as told through interpretive dance...

In an interview with Vatican Radio, Ted Neely, who played the titular role in Norman Jewison's Jesus Christ Superstar, recalled, "Because of so much protest in America when we were doing the show live, prior to making the film, Mr Jewison was concerned about whether or not the film would be accepted around the world. So he requested an audience with Pope Paul VI to see the film. The two of them sat down together and watched the film, and the Pope said: ‘this is a good film, I think this film will open the eyes to people around the world’. He said that he felt that the music was so inviting and so spiritual that it would spread the essence of Christ worldwide... so we got his blessing to release the film. So thank God for that, and thank Pope Paul VI for that!"

Whether or not that's exactly how things happened is up for debate, but it does appear His Holiness was really a fan of the musical, despite some of its obvious theological shortcomings. A 1974 article in People Magazine profiling the Pontiff noted, "After the sisters have cleared away the dinner dishes each evening, Paul either heads back to his office for a few hours of late work with his staff, or he settles down to read in his bright living room to the accompaniment of Bach, Mozart and Beethoven on the turntable. The papal record shelf also holds the original cast LP of Jesus Christ, Superstar, which has had enough plays to satisfy an unoffended Pope that its fundamentalist hymns and hollers are shattering proof of youth’s groping for God."

Alas, there appear to be no existing records detailing what kind of reception, if any, Pope John Paul II gave White Pop Jesus when it hit Italian movie screens in 1980. I don't want to presume, but if I had to... I'm guessing it wouldn't have been quite as welcoming. But you never know.

THE B-LIST: THE 5 WORST JOBS IN SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIES

As more than one comedian has put it, Labor Day is that time of year we get to celebrate having a job by not working all day. However, the official website of  U.S. Department of Labor would prefer we take a more somber approach to the holiday. It reminds us that Labor Day “is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.”

In that spirit, we here at The B-Movie Catechism would like to take the time to celebrate those laborers who take care of the most thankless tasks imaginable, those who have the worst jobs in Sci-Fi/Horror movies.

1. LAB ASSISTANT

It doesn’t matter whether you’re working for Victor Frankenstein, Herbert West, or any other of the countless mad scientists out there, the job of lab assistant in sci-fi/horror movies just plain sucks. It’s not just the usual tedious tasks like prepping experiments, recording data, and cleaning up the  equipment afterwards. It’s more all of the grave robbing, kidnapping, and dealing with a boss who daily intrudes on God’s domain that makes the job such a chore. At best, you’ll end up dead. At worst, you’ll find yourself strapped to a table and turned into some hideous human/cobra hybrid with an intense aversion to mongooses (not mongeese, we looked it up). If you can find a way to skip such an internship, we highly recommend it.

2. PERSONAL CARE ASSISTANT TO BARON HARKONNEN

Vladimir Harkonnen was bad enough in Frank Herbert’s written works, what with being a pedophile/rapist who regularly drank blood straight from his servants’ hearts. So wretched was he that the Reverend Mother of the Bene Gesserits cursed the creep with a degenerative disease making him so fat (how fat was he?) that he has to use anti-gravity suspensors just to move his butt around. If you’ve ever watched a single episode of My 600-lb Life, then you know what that means. Somebody has to give this guy a bath every day. If it was just the weight, that might be okay. That’s just one of the challenges of caring for the morbidly obese. But in David Lynch’s movie version of Dune, Harkonnen’s corpulent condition is also accompanied by huge, festering boils all over his body. Nobody wants the job of rubbing a damp sponge all over that, especially not when there’s a better than average chance of getting buggered in the process.

3. TOKYO DEPARTMENT OF SANITATION WORKER

Fandom being what it is, there have been numerous online debates as to whether or not Godzilla poops. The general consensus seems to be that since the Big G ingests nothing but radiation, there would be no physical waste to worry about. Rodan, on the other hand, you just know that guy has to leave droppings everywhere. And then there’s Hedorah, the Smog Monster. He’s basically half-excrement to begin with. So, when the fighting is all done, somebody has to clean all that doody up, right? Well, a little investigation reveals that in New York, it is actually the Sanitation Department’s job to clean up anything the City’s mounted police force leaves behind. As such, it seems reasonable to expect their Japanese counterparts would to have to do the same for any beasts, large or small, roaming their streets. They probably have to use bigger shovels though.

4. NYC SEWAGE TREATMENT WORKER

As the New York Times so succinctly points out, the job of Sewage Treatment Worker is tough, unpleasant, and just plain dirty. It goes without saying, however, that modern metropolises couldn’t function without the public service provided by these dedicated men and women. And it’s not just dealing with filthy working conditions and the occasional vermin that make sewer workers the unsung heroes of the Big Apple. If the movies are to be believed, they also have to put up with giant alligators, flesh-eating blobs, human-mimicking mutant cockroaches, Jason Voorhies, and C.H.U.Ds. Whatever you do, don’t forget about the C.H.U.Ds.

5. PRIEST

In the real world, a recent study published the University of Chicago showed that if you want to have a job where you are the happiest and most satisfied, then you need to join the clergy. One of the authors of the study noted, “The most satisfying jobs are mostly professions, especially those involving caring for, teaching, and protecting others and creative pursuits.” That pretty much describes being a priest, which got a whopping 89% satisfaction rate on the survey. It’s a little different in the movies, though. In the celluloid universe, anytime some half-ass sorcerer, self-centered Cenobite, dime-store devil worshiper, or demon de jour shows up and wants to make a name for themselves, they head straight for the nearest Catholic Church and try to take out the local pastor. You know, a priest’s schedule is packed enough as it is. Add in having to stop what they’re doing every fifteen minutes to ward off the hordes of Hell, and it just gets unbearable.

And there you have it, the worst jobs to have in Sci-Fi/Horror movies. There’s no doubt more, so be sure to drop a note in the comments letting us know what you think should be added to the list. Happy Labor Day, everyone!

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #23 – THE APPLE

This isn’t the first time we’ve sampled The Apple here at The B-Movie Catechism, but the simple fact is that Menahem Golan’s gonzo musical/biblical allegory is a crap-filled cornucopia that never runs empty. For instance, in our review of the film we didn’t even get around to mentioning the brief sequence in which the entire movie comes to a screeching halt so that every single person on the planet can take part in a daily state sponsored exercise routine. Behold, if you dare, the national BIM Hour.

At first glance, this would appear to be some sort of government run torture program. I mean, “Hey hey hey, BIM’s on the way!” repeated ad nauseam for a straight hour. That’s worse than water boarding, right? But the citizens seem to love it, so that theory doesn’t really work. I suppose BIM Hour could be a national health care initiative, as the dialog hints at. After all, a fit populace would definitely cut down on expenditures. But no, there seems to be far too many portly participants for that to be the case. If the exercise hour is some part of BIMcare, it’s definitely one that’s not working.

That leaves ritual. As behavioral scientists Francesca Gino and Michael I. Norton noted in a recent post at Scientific American…

“People engage in rituals with the intention of achieving a wide set of desired outcomes, from reducing their anxiety to boosting their confidence, alleviating their grief to performing well in a competition – or even making it rain…. Recent research suggests that rituals may be more rational than they appear. Why? Because even simple rituals can be extremely effective… What’s more, rituals appear to benefit even people who claim not to believe that rituals work… Despite the absence of a direct causal connection between the ritual and the desired outcome, performing rituals with the intention of producing a certain result appears to be sufficient for that result to come true.”

Okay. So, what is the desired outcome BIM is hoping for with their daily dose of mandatory jazzercise? Well, in an article for the journal, Cultural Anthropology, sociocultural anthropologist Barry J. Lyons suggests rituals play an important part in discipline and the maintenance of social order. He states, “Anthropologists have long regarded ritual as a way that societies make cultural assumptions tangible and impress social structural principles upon participants.” Given that, the ritual of BIM Hour is most likely a way of reinforcing the populace’s collective voluntary submission to BIM. It’s the Nuremberg Rallies via way of the dance floor.

Ritual doesn’t have to be so sinister, though. Discussing the Christian ritual of the mass, the Catechism explains that…

“Signs and symbols taken from the social life of man: washing and anointing, breaking bread and sharing the cup can express the sanctifying presence of God and man's gratitude toward his Creator.  The great religions of mankind witness, often impressively, to this cosmic and symbolic meaning of religious rites.”

In the case of religion, then, the purpose of ritual is not merely to establish some form of social order (although some secular leaders have almost certainly attempted to use religion for such reasons). The rituals of religion are meant to do no less than allow its participants to experience God. Of course, that only works if people actually show up and participate in said rituals. Might want to remember that come next Sunday.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #22 – ANI: A PARODY

Yes, this is the entire two-hour long production of Ani: A Parody, which the fine folks at Starkid Productions were kind enough to put online for free. It’s well worth the watch if you have the time to take in the whole thing, especially if you have a familiarity with old 1980s movies full of training montages set to rock music. Not to worry though. For the purposes of this post, we’re only interested in the first four minutes and ten seconds, which just so happens to be the exact time it takes to get through Ani’s opening theme…

Ani, what a guy, right? You have to appreciate a fella who likes wordplay so much. Hey, you know who else enjoyed a little paronomasia? The writers of the Bible, that’s who. For instance, as an article at biblestudytools.com notes…

In Jonah 3:7, there is a pun: “By the decree (מטעם, mita‘am) of the king and his nobles: Let neither man nor beast, herd nor flock, taste (יטעמו, yit‘amu) anything” (ESV). The word טעם (ta‘am) has two unrelated meanings: The first, more common, meaning is “to taste” (as a verb) or “flavor” (as a noun). For example, Jonathan tasted (ta‘am) a little honey with the tip of his staff (1 Samuel 14:43). This is the meaning used in the phrase “Let neither man nor beast … taste anything” (ESV). The second meaning is “decree,” which is borrowed from either Assyrian (which would make sense!) or Aramaic. This rarer meaning occurs only in Jonah 3:7 and in Daniel 3:10. The author of Jonah turns this into a witticism: What comes out of the king’s mouth (the decree, ta‘am) keeps the people from putting anything into theirs (tasting food, ta‘am).

Hilarious, right? You see what the author of Jonah did there? He used double meanings, a humorous play on words, and that’s… where the comedy… comes in…

Yeah, okay, let’s be honest. To appreciate a lot of the wordplay in the Bible pretty much requires you to either get a degree in ancient languages or read books by someone else who has. For casual Bible reading, though, maybe it’s best not to worry so much about catching the subtleties of a 3,000 year old pun and instead just enjoy the more obvious humor on display in a story like that of Jonah. After all, the image of a guy covered in whale vomit stumbling into a city and yelling, “Repent!”, well, that’s good for a laugh no matter what year the story was written.

And if you don’t like, you can always come up with your own jokes. For instance, here’s one I heard. Why is the story of Jonah so inspiring? Because it’s about a guy who’s down in the mouth, but comes out all right in the end.

See what I did there?

THE B-LIST: 7 OF THE WEIRDEST EVIL OBJECTS IN MOVIES

Demonic dolls, malevolent mirrors, cursed cars; these things are a dime a dozen in horror movies. You can watch them pretty much whenever you want. But if you’re like me, sometimes you have a hankering for  something just a wee bit different than your everyday dastardly doohickey. Well, not to worry, The B-Movie Catechism has got you covered. Here are seven of the weirdest evil objects in movies for your viewing pleasure. Well, at least for your viewing anyway.

The Evil Dollhouse from Amityville Dollhouse (1996)

We’ll start with a no-brainer. I mean, if you’re going to buy your kid a toy that looks exactly like the most famous haunted house in the country, you’re just asking for trouble, right? Parents, let this be a lesson. Even when your kids relentlessly beg for something, it’s okay to say no sometimes.

The Evil Television from The Twonky (1953)

You might also want to monitor how much time your kids spend in front of the television. Just how much TV is bad for you is debatable, but I’m pretty sure if your boob tube has grown legs, is walking around, and has taken complete control of your life, it’s time to pull the plug.

The Evil Laundry Press from The Mangler (1995)

Speaking of moving machinery, the next time Stephen King complains about the quality of anything, just remember he’s the one who wrote the short story The Mangler is based on. The man’s books creeped me out a lot back in the day, but even then, this wicked wringer just didn’t do the trick.

The Evil Elevator from The Lift (1983)

One of the best taglines ever. You would think this would be as silly an idea as The Mangler, but this obscure little Dutch horror has developed quite a cult following over the years. There’s not an actual psychological term for the fear of elevators, but whoever out there has it should probably avoid this one.

The Evil Bed from Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

And just like that, we’re right back to the ridiculous. Here’s an idea. If you run across a bed that has eaten a number of people, don’t lie down in it. How hard can it be? This bed can’t even move around like The Twonky or The Mangler. Just walk away.

The Evil Refrigerator from The Refrigerator (1991)

Now this is a little easier to understand. At least in this scenario there’s no other way to get to your pizza rolls than to open up the fridge and stick your hand into it. Still, after the first few times the awful appliance gobbles someone up, you would think they might consider the possibility of switching to canned foods. Oh well, what do you expect in a movie about a killer refrigerator. It can’t get any sillier than that.

The Evil Tire from Rubber (2010)

Suckers! It can always get sillier. This is the touching tale of a tire that develops Scanner like powers and leaves a trail of exploded heads across the desert while pursuing the girl of its dreams. It’s never explained, it just is. Much like the movie Rubber itself.

If these films are any indication, just about anything can turn evil. In real life, the Church doesn’t actually have a lot of official statements on the subject beyond a sentence in the Catechism which notes, “When the Church asks publicly and authoritatively in the name of Jesus Christ that a person or object [emphasis mine] be protected against the power of the Evil One and withdrawn from his dominion, it is called exorcism.” So at the very least there appears to be some official recognition that an object can become the focus of outside evil forces just as a person can.

Now, that doesn’t mean your toaster is someday going to gain awareness and bite your hand off. It just means that, for whatever reason, the demonic can become fixated on a physical object. Really, such an idea should be no big shock if you accept the notion that there’s a spiritual dimension to reality, which as a Christian you should. So if you start getting bad vibes from some knickknack sitting around your house, play it safe and toss it, not because you’re worried it may come to life and eat the kids, but simply because on the off chance there is something malevolent lingering around the thingy, you don’t want it to start taking notice of you.

P.S. It is not nice to pretend you sense evil in one of your spouse’s ugly keepsakes just to force them to get rid of it.

THE B-LIST: 6 CATEGORIES THE OSCARS OVERLOOKED IN 2015

Well, the Oscars are here and I’ve had my say on the Best Picture nominees. As usual, though, I can’t help but feel the Academy’s list is lacking in the low budget department. We’ve done this before, so you know it works. Since the Academy Awards tend to ignore the types of movies we watch around these parts, we’re going to hand out some awards of our in categories that the Oscars overlooked.

BEST MOVIE STARRING OSCAR ISSAC AND DOHMNALL GLEESON THAT WASN’T STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

EX MACHINA

Actually, all kidding aside, Ex Machina is the probably the best pure science fiction film of 2015 (Star Wars is a space opera, you know). It’s actually up for best original screenplay at this year’s Oscars, but deserves more recognition in other areas, especially Oscar Isaac’s turn as the off-kilter genius who has possibly created the world’s first self aware artificial intelligence. Yes, it’s a standard man meddling in God’s territory set-up, but it is never anything but compelling. Also, there’s an eerie scene in which Issac spontaneously breaks into dance that will stick with you for some time to come. Really, you just can’t beat a movie that has all the brains and all the moves.

BEST MOVIE YOU’VE PROBABLY HEARD ABOUT BUT DIDN’T THINK YOU WANTED TO SEE

IT FOLLOWS

As long as we’re talking about 2015’s best, we may as well mention its finest horror movie as well. Not everyone is going to agree with that assessment, of course, but for fans of intelligently written, truly creepy slow burns peopled with characters who are actually likeable, It Follows has to be at the top of the list. It portrays a group of teenagers toying with adulthood in a world in which no functioning grown-ups seem to be around to help guide them who end up getting stalked by a supernatural boogie man as a consequence of their actions. Yep, might just be some social commentary going on there. Plus, the movie gets bonus points for its fantastic retro-80s score.

BEST MOVIE YOU’D SWEAR WAS MADE IN THE 1980s

TURBO KID

Speaking of the 1980s… while Kung Fury is hands down 2015’s best parody of 80s sci-fi action movies, it doesn’t actually feel like it was made during that decade. Turbo Kid, on the other hand, does. It’s cheap looking, drags in parts like a true Mad Max ripoff, and most important, it has Michael Ironsides as the bad guy! Now, because it’s a feature length film, Turbo Kid can’t really sustain the concentrated level of insanity Kung Fury does over its brief 30 minute running time. Still, with characters like Skeletron and the completely adorable Apple, Turbo Kid is just plain old goofy fun just like the kind you used to find on the shelves of your favorite mom and pop video store. It ain’t deep, but there’s nothing in the Catechism that says everything has to be.

BEST MOVIE THAT ISN’T AT ALL WHAT YOU PROBABLY THINK IT IS

THE FINAL GIRLS

With all the 1980s parodies and tributes released in 2015 (seriously, this list hardly scratches the surface), it’s easy to see why someone might look at the promo art for The Final Girls and think, “No thanks, I’ve had enough.” But despite the fact that it looks like just another slasher film full of nudity and gore (of which it surprisingly has neither), The Final Girls is actually something a little bit different. This story of a teenager named Max who, along with some of her friends, gets magically transported into an old 1980s slasher movie they were watching is often funny and occasionally touching. That last bit stems from the fact that one of the victims in “Camp Bloodbath” was portrayed by Max’s late mother, raising the possibility that Max might just be able to find a way to get her mom back. If she can find a way to subvert all of those old slasher clichés, that is. This one’s a hidden gem.

BEST MOVIE ABOUT COWBOYS THAT DIDN’T GET HYPED OUT THE WAZOO

BONE TOMAHAWK

While we’re on the subject of hidden gems, we have to discuss Bone Tomahawk, the movie Kurt Russell actually grew that mustache for. Thanks to their admittedly beautiful cinematography and their high profile directors, The Hateful Eight and The Revenant got all of Oscar’s attention this year as far as westerns are concerned. But truthfully, this tale of a disparate group of cowboys who put aside their differences in order to try and rescue a woman from a vicious tribe of cannibals is a better movie than both of them. The characters are more finely drawn than in The Revenant (sorry, it’s true) and, while the mid-section does involve a lot of talking, the movie knows when to have its characters shut up (unlike, say, The Hateful Eight). This is the type of film that’s going to develop a cult following over the years and it deserves it, mustache and all.

BEST MOVIE ABOUT VAMPIRE ROOMMATES YOU NEVER KNEW YOU WANTED

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHAODWS

And finally we have What We Do In The Shadows, a movie that already has its cult firmly in place. Filmed in a mock-umentary style, What We Do In The Shadows follows a small clan of vampires as they try to adjust to the modern world while simultaneously dealing with the trials and tribulations that come with living in the same house as your buddies. Yes, apparently vampires argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes just like we do. The concept sounds like it would work better as a five minute sketch on SNL, but it manages to stay fresh all the way through, especially as the vamps make friends with a new human buddy and get drawn into a rivalry with a local group of werewolves who have problems of their own. Definitely worth sinking your teeth into.

And that’s about it for this year’s missing Oscar categories. Don’t feel too bad for the films on this list, though. Like many a good Christian, these movies may never receive the wide acclaim that comes with red carpets and gold statues, but having examined them, we know their worth. And in the years to come, as most of this year’s Best Picture nominees gather dust on video shelves, these movies will come into their final rewards and earn the viewers they so richly deserve.

THE B-LIST: 5 MOVIE REMAKES FOR PRO-CHOICERS

You remember the 2014 abortion comedy Obvious Child, right? No? That’s probably because, despite the mainstream media’s zealous push to make it into a must see event, audiences the world over avoided Obvious Child like the plague. Oh, it still turned a small profit because it’s production budget was lower than a lot of SyFy Channel movies and Planned Parenthood bought up a ton of tickets to give away for free, but by most measurable standards, Obvious Child was a flop.

You know, maybe they took the wrong approach. Maybe they should try remaking some old movies instead. After all, remakes have built-in name recognition (especially amongst foreign audiences), they make investors and shareholders feel secure, and most important, despite some notable clunkers, they tend to make money. So, as a service to our pals in the pro-choice movement, here’s some suggestions for movies they could remake, but with a bit of spin intended to appeal to their particular euphemism-loving sensibilities.

There you go, pro-choice movement. You’re welcome.

THE B-LIST: COMICS THAT WILL NEVER BE MADE INTO MOVIES #04: SPIDER-MAN: ONE MORE DAY (2008)

After perusing the first three entries in this nearly forgotten list of comics that will never be made into movies, it dawned on me that it’s so far been comprised of nothing but DC Comics from the late 60s/early 70s. Well, there’s an easy way to rectify that situation. Ladies and gentleman, may I introduce to you one of the most reviled storylines in modern comics, nay, in all of comics… Spider-Man: One More Day.

First, a little back story. One More Day was published on the heels of Civil War, the company-wide crossover event that pitted all of Marvel’s superheroes against each other in a frre-for-all over whether or not they should be forced to reveal their secret identities and accept government oversite (Yes, this was the same story that inspired the soon to be released film, Captain America: Civil War). With every hero forced to pick a side, Spider-Man throws in with Iron Man’s pro-registration side and reveals to the world that he is Peter Parker. Seeing this as an opportunity to harm his old foe, the imprisoned Kingpin sends a hitman to kill Parker’s wife, Mary Jane. Spidey manages to pull MJ out of the way just in time, but his Aunt May, who was standing right behind her, isn’t so lucky.

And that’s where One More Day begins, with poor old Aunt May dying in a hospital bed (again) and Peter desperate to find a way to save her (again). He first beats the crap out of Tony Stark in an effort to convince the Armored Avenger to help with the medical costs, but since Peter flipped sides in the Civil War after May was shot, Tony refuses to cough up any dough. Stark does eventually filter two million dollars to Peter through his butler Jarvis, but the doctors inform them it doesn’t matter because May is beyond the help of medicine anyway. Shaken but undeterred, Peter decides to call on some of his other super friends for a solution.

His first stop is at the sanctum santorum of Doctor Strange because, well, magic. Sadly, the Sorceror Supreme who has in the past altered the very fabric of reality and fought the living embodiment of the universe to a standstill, explains that even his talents have their limits. He can, however, use his magic to allow Peter to instantaneously consult with every genius on the planet, even Doctor Doom, in the hopes of finding a way to save Aunt May. Unfortunately, the answer is the same everywhere. No dice. Even when Peter activates a time travel spell while Strange is distracted, he finds he cannot alter history. May, it seems, is destined to die.

On his way back to the hospital to be with May during her final hours, Peter experiences a succession of odd philosophical discussions, first with a little red headed girl who claims to have the solution to all his problems, and then with a series of strangely familiar middle-aged men who tell Peter how much they wish they could have been like him instead of going down the path they chose. Finally, a confused Spidey bumps into a mysterious woman in red who explains that the men were all alternate versions of Peter Parkers who never became Spider-Man. Then, before a befuddled Peter can figure out what’s going on, the woman reveals herself to be Mephisto, one of the multiple versions of the devil running around the Marvel universe.

Mephisto offers to both save Aunt May and make the world forget Peter Parker is Spider-Man, but at a cost. However, the cost is not Spider-Man’s soul, as you might expect, but something else. What Mephisto wants is to erase Peter and Mary Jane’s marriage, make it as if it never happened, something he can only do with their consent. “You will not consciously remember this bargain.” Mephisto tells the couple, “But there will be a very small part your soul that will remember, that will know what you lost. And my joy will be in listening to that part of your soul screaming throughout eternity.”

And so, here it comes. The moment that lierally made thousands of Spider-Man fans rise to their feet and scream “@#$% you, Marvel Comics!” After a whole issue of hand-wringing, Peter and Mary Jane make a deal with the devil because neither of them believes Peter is strong enough to continue on with the knowledge that his decision to reveal his identity led to his Aunt’s death. True to his word, Mephisto begins to weave his spell as the midnight hour arrives, but there’s a catch. Right as the change begins to take affect, Mephisto reveals to the couple that the little red headed girl Peter met earlier was the child who will never exist now that her parents were never married. It’s a really dick move, but hey, he is the devil.

As the final bell tolls, Peter and Mary Jane declare their eternal love and vow that one day, devil or no devil, they will find each other again. And then Peter wakes up, heads downstairs to where his Aunt May is making breakfast, and then rushes off to a welcome home party for his mysteriously alive pal Harry Osborne. There, he catches a glimpse of a bitter Mary Jane (we later learn it’s because she’s distraught over engagement falling apart) as she enters an elevator to exit his life. The End.

 

Now, you might be wondering just who the heck thought the whole notion of a superhero making a deal with the devil was a good idea. That would be Marvel Comics editor-in-chief Joe Quesada, who had always considered Pete and MJ’s marriage to be the worst thing to ever happen to the character. In his opinion, which he claimed was backed up by sales figures, it made Spider-Man completely unrelatable to the majority of comic readers. Now, I have no doubt that at least some portion of comic readers probably could relate better to a thirtysomething year old slacker living in his elderly aunt’s house, but Marvel was already publishing a comic for them with Ultimate Spider-Man, a title which told tales of an unwed teenaged Peter Parker. Really, it just came down to the fact that Quesada thought stories with married heroes were dull and assumed nobody else was interested in marriages either.

Except for the devil apparently. Quesada stated that he believed Mephisto was an appropriate choice for a deus ex machina because it would show a powerful villain taking advantage of a beloved hero at his weakest moment. Just about everybody else on the planet, on the other hand, thought the idea of Spidey bargaining with Satan was was the epitome of stupid. Series writer J. Michael Straczynski (of Babylon 5 fame) even publicly threatened to take his name off the story despite the fact that he was an avowed atheist. Even a non-believer like Straczynski understood the concept that while a hero might occasionally have to do something he normally wouldn’t, as in killing an enemy to save millions of lives (yeah, I’m still defending Man of Steel), he wouldn’t make a deal with God’s main nemesis just to avoid feeling bad. @#$% you, Marvel Comics!

So, yeah, the very idiocy of the premise and the damage it does to the moral character of Spider-Man is one of the main reasons this story will never find itself adapted to the big screen. But there’s also another, one that might not be so obvious at first. You see, as much as it pains me to admit it, Quesada was right about one thing. If you were going to choose to do a story in which a bad guy’s main goal was to wreck a marriage, Mephisto really was the perfect villain for it. And that’s because Satan does, in fact, hate the sacrament of marriage and would do whatever is in his power to destroy it.

As the Catechism reminds us, when a man and woman enters into a sacramental marriage, “their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man.” Of course the devil would hate such a thing. And Straczynski, whose work on Babylon 5 showed him to be no stranger to religion despite his own non-belief, understands this. So, when questioned by Peter and MJ about what he has to gain from the deal, Staczynski has Mephisto respond thusly…

“It is because yours is the rarest love of all. Pure, unconditional, and made holy in the eyes of he who I hate most. A love like yours comes about but once in a millenia and to take that away from him… to deny him… is a victory like none other imaginable.”

Ouch. Pretty much gets right to the point, doesn’t it? And that’s why, In a nation where the divorce rate is hovering at 50% and the government is doing its best to remove all traces of religion from the sacrament, there’s no way in hell a major studio is going to release a comic book movie that implies by wrecking marriage we’re doing the devil’s work for him.

THE B-LIST: TOP 5 STAR WARS MEMORIES

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! Now, I'm sure there are some of you (heretics) out there who have had just about enough of Star Wars by now. Not me, though. I've been having so much fun with all the hype that I'm going to squeeze at least one more post out of it. Of course, a big part of my enjoyment has stemmed from the fact that I'm one of those old enough to have been there since the beginning, which means I've got almost forty years worth of memories associated with this particular film series. So, in a shameless steal from the Film Vault Podcast, I thought I would take the time and share my top five personal recollections that revolve around Star Wars.

“Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now."

What kid didn't want Star Wars action figures back in 1977/1978; I know I did. Alas, we weren't exactly what you would call a well-to-do family, so my parents had to tell me up front they couldn't afford to buy me any (the memory of my mother's expression as she explained that still makes me hurt for her). What they did manage to scrounge up, though, was a cassette copy of the film's score. Sure, I was disappointed at first, I was still a kid after all. But over the next few months, that tape became one of my most cherished possessions. Not only did it allow me to relive every scene of the film in my head (no VCRs in those days), but more importantly, it sparked a lifelong love of music of all kinds. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only kid to learn what a leitmotif was thanks to John Williams. Suffice to say, that relationship with music still carries me through hard times to this very day. It's like God and The Rolling Stones have always said, you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

“The circle is now complete.”

Turns out, though, I wasn't the only one who remembered those early Christmases. Years later as I was entering college, along with all the practical presents, my mother slipped a couple of Star Wars action figures into my Christmas stocking. Better late than never, she said, even if I was too old to actually play with them. Or so she thought. Decades later, with perhaps a little lump in my throat, I passed those very same figures into the hands of my own son and you can rest assured we've shared many an adventure with them since. If that sounds like I'm a grown man playing with action figures, then just remember that it was G. K. Chesterton who said that imagination is the most essential element in education. So I'm not playing, I'm educating.

"You've taken your first step into a larger world."

That being said, I've never forced Star Wars on my children. I didn't buy them stuffed Wookies for their cribs or Yoda blankets for their first beds. Naturally, I took my daughter to opening day when The Phantom Menace came out, but it didn't really capture her imagination like the Harry Potter films would a couple of years later. My son also remained mostly unaware of that galaxy far, far away for the longest time, with the Lord of the Rings movies more than satisfying his appetite for fantasy. But right around his tenth Christmas, one of the cable channels was running a marathon of the original trilogy and my wife left it on in the background. During dinner, I could see him continuously shooting furtive glances to the television in the living room until finally he asked, "Who's that gold robot guy and what's his problem?" Over the next few hours I sat back and watched as he slowly got hooked. Within a week, my DVDs of the originals were firmly locked in his grasp and he was spending his birthday money to buy the prequels (which he loved, by the way). Sometimes, you just can't do anything but wait and hope your kids find their way.

“Would it help if I got out and pushed?!!”

When I think about it, waiting has always been part of the Star Wars experience for me. For example, when The Empire Strikes Back came out, I was up first thing in the morning clamoring to be dropped off at the theater. It was doubly important that I get their as early as possible because, not only was it the first showing and no way was I missing that, but also because the first 100 people in line would receive a free one-sheet sized poster. Imagine the sinking feeling in my stomach when, having arrived at least two hours before showtime, I discovered the line was already stretched as far as the eye could see. Let me tell you, it was a wretched feeling watching that box full of posters slowly dwindle as I inched closer and closer to the door. But miracle of miracles, with only two posters left, I made it to the door. Really, it was just like Heaven; who cares how far down the list my name is, as long as I get the prize when I reach the entrance.

“You do have your moments. Not many, but you have them.”

So, yeah, me and Star Wars go way back. And now a new episode is here and it's been a blast. It's a rare occasion these days when the whole family gets to go to the movies together, mostly because you're almost required to take out a loan in order to do so. But each of us have our own individual attachment to Star Wars, so we bit the bullet and bought tickets for opening night. I have to say, just to be able to let my son experience the thrill of seeing those mythical words appear on the big screen and watch the opening crawl begin to the strains of John Williams oh-so-familar fanfare was probably worth the price of the tickets all by itself. Fortunately, the rest of the movie was pretty good too. You know, in the end, there are really only a few things a parent can give their child that has any lasting value. Love and faith top that list, of course, but a few good memories, those can be pretty important too.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you get to make some lasting memories of your own this year, Star Wars or otherwise.

THE B-LIST: SEVEN HORRIFIC NON-HORROR MOVIES

As he explains over at his blog, our pal Nick Alexander prefers to reserve his horror movie viewing for the month of October. Even then he’s a bit picky, insisting the films which make up his annual Horror-Movie-A-Thon be critically acclaimed, avoid exploitive scenes, and have a good underlying message. So, I’m guessing no Sharknados then. Anyway, one of the interesting things about the number one movie on his list this year (you’ll have to go there to see what it is) is that it isn’t what most people would consider a horror movie at all.

Which got me to thinking.

I myself have been steadily watching horror and science fiction movies since I was five or six years old. Love’em. Can’t get enough of’em. Which, if they were the films which got under my skin, disturbed me, or simply left me feeling weirded out, would probably be a real big problem. Oddly enough, though, such movies usually aren’t the ones that leave me feeling that way. Listed below are  seven (mostly) critically acclaimed movies typically categorized as something other than horror which managed to accomplish for me what most horror films cannot.

LEVIATHAN (2012)

To be honest, the first time I tried to watch Leviathan, I fell asleep. This documentary is the epitome of artsy-fartsy, and if you’re not in the mood for that kind of thing, it’s best just to let it be. The second time, though, I was in the right frame of mind and Leviathan managed to weave its spell on me. Make no mistake, I’m not one of those meat eaters who are oblivious to where their dinners come from, but watching this attempt to capture the sensory experience of working on a commercial groundfishing vessel late one night left me feeling weird and disoriented. Something about the image of that hulking ship moving silently through the dark seas as blood and viscera poured over the sides was simultaneously unsettling and mesmerizing.

THE ACT OF KILLING (2012)

The premise of this documentary sounds absolutely insane. Track down the men who led the death squads during the 1965 anti-communist genocide in Indonesia and offer to let them reenact some of their more infamous killings using whatever film genre they chose. WTF right? The result, however, is an entirely fascinating, and sometimes horrifying, look into the psyche of people who commit such acts of violence and how they view themselves (or, in some cases, refuse to view themselves). The Act of Killing is maybe a bit too long, but if you stick it out, you’re unlikely to forget some of the people you meet, even though you’ll likely want to.

KIDS (1995)

I’m not a big fan of writer Harmony Korine as each subsequent screenplay of his seems to get more and more desperate to stir up controversy. I’m looking at you Springbreakers. That being said, there’s no denying the impact his initial offering, Kids, had when it first hit cinemas in 1995. This “day in the life” tale of a group of unsupervised, directionless, drug-and-alcohol fueled teenagers is perhaps a bit too exploitative to actually recommend, but if you do take the plunge and decide to watch it, be prepared to alternate between feelings of anger, depression, and horror. The scene in which the HIV positive Telly finally convinces the virginal Darcy to consent to sex only to ignore her cries of pain while he roughly gets what he wants is bound to leave you feeling all three at the same time.

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM (2000)

Forget all those old afterschool specials, if you really want to keep your kids off of drugs, just sit them down in front of Requiem For A Dream and press play. Trust me, they’ll never even think about touching the stuff. Of course, they’ll also probably require a ton of therapy to get over some of the images in this film, but at least they won’t do drugs. Artfully directed by Darren Aronofsky (yes, the same guy who brought you Noah), the film graphically portrays just about every negative consequence of drug abuse you could ever think of… and probably some you never wanted to.

TESTAMENT (1983)

It’s hard to imagine there was once a time when over 100 million people sat down to watch a made-for-television movie, but that’s exactly what happened back in 1983 when ABC aired The Day After. The funny thing is, The Day After wasn’t even the best telefilm to come out that year dealing with the aftereffects of a nuclear war. That honor belongs to the much less seen Testament, one of the rare films to ever bring Roger Ebert to tears. Concentrating on a single suburban family as they try to get by after the bombs have fallen, the movie is quiet, reserved… and emotionally devastating. This isn’t horror in the traditional sense. It’s the horror of watching your children slowly die of radiation poisoning while you can’t do a thing about it.

IRREVERSIBLE (2002)

I first discussed Irreversible back when I reviewed I Spit On Your Grave and how the two films are generally perceived differently even though they both contain a long, drawn out depiction of a violent rape. I Spit On Your Grave is typically seen as sleazy whereas Irreversible is granted the honorific title of art. It’s not that Irreversible’s rape scene is any easier to stomach. In fact, it’s so realistic that it’s probably the worse of the two. But where I Spit On Your Grave applauds one act of violence leading to another, Irreversible unflinchingly shows the destruction that choosing the path of revenge can lead too, both to one’s self as well as others. That doesn’t make it one bit easier to sit through though.

A SERBIAN FILM (2010)

To hell with this movie. I went into A Serbian Film mostly blind, relying on a few online reviews from folks who are generally trustworthy. Foolish me. As someone who is occasionally paid to review films, I feel an obligation to sit through a movie until the end just to give it a chance to say what it has to say. A Serbian Film tested that resolve at least three or four times. I’m not going to describe the horrors this movie depicts except to say they involve the graphic sexual abuse of children. The last ten minutes of the film are absolutely soul crushing. I’m told by some folks who are in a position to know better than I would that this film is a devastating critique on the political system in Serbia. Maybe that’s true, but there has to be a better way to accomplish that goal than what’s in this film. Again, to hell with it.

So there you go. Seven non-horror movies that managed to provoke emotional responses from me ranging from unsettled to horrified to downright sickened, more so than most horror movies ever have. That’s not always a bad thing. Some of the films such as Testament I couldn’t recommend more. But some of the others, yep, after watching those, I think you’ll understand why, given the choice, I’ll pick a good old relaxing monster movie over a “drama” most any time.

HAPPY HAPPY HALLOWEEN IX

For obvious reasons, Halloween has traditionally been the busy season around this blog. This year, however, I was commissioned (along with a lot of better illustrators) to produce some cartoons for a small Catholic publishing company and had to spend my spare time working on those instead. Still, I couldn’t let the holiday creep by without offering our yearly suggestions for cheap and easy to make costumes based on some of the movies we’ve discussed over the past twelve months, either here or over at Aleteia. Long time readers know that we provide this annual service for those Christians who can’t stand one more year of dressing up like a nun or an Old Testament prophet, but would still like their disguises to reflect their beliefs in some way.

Let’s start out with one for the fellows, and a pretty easy one at that. In fact, all you really need to dress up as this threatening apparition from The Devil Rides Out is a red bed sheet (white sheet soaked in RIT dye acceptable) to wrap around your infernal nether regions. Body oil is optional, if not actively discouraged. Oddly enough, for a movie full of Christian symbolism, this one demon actually calls to mind a shaytanic jinn, one of those non-angelic spiritual beings Muslims believe inhabit the unseen world. But that’s okay. Go as this guy and you just might remind folks that evil is real and out to get you, no matter what you do or don’t believe.

Now that we’ve got the guys covered (the necessary bits anyway), we can turn our attention to the ladies. For you, we suggest going as uber-businesswoman Claire from this year’s blockbuster, Jurassic World. Claire’s all-white skirt and blouse ensemble should come relatively cheap, with most of it probably already hanging in your closet. The only accessories you should have to spring for are a red glow stick (our lawyers advise we not recommend actual flaming torches) to attract dinosaurs with and, more importantly, a pair of 3.5-in. nude Sam Edelman heels in your size. Heels, as you probably know by now, are the preferred foot ware in which to outrun enraged monsters created by profit-minded mad scientists. Actress Bryce Dallas Howard, who played Claire, explained, “She’s in high heels because she’s a woman who has been in high heels her whole life and she can f****** sprint in them. She can. That’s kind of how I perceived it. She doesn’t have to be in menswear and flats in order to outrun a T-Rex. That’s what women can do.” Sure, why not? So slip on those pumps, go trick or treating, and be sure to remind everyone you meet that science must serve mankind, not just men’s wallets.

If you’d prefer a more unisex look to your costume this year, then the possessed Christie’s getup from Ninja III: The Domination is just the ensemble for you. Throw on some used coveralls, a ski mask, and some dollar store ninja gear and nobody will know what you are under there. Of course, to make the costume 100% authentic, you’ll need to slather on tons of mascara as well, but let’s face it, this is 2015, so they still won’t be able to tell what you are under there. Sigh.

But enough of all these solo suggestions. If you’re in the market for a couple’s costume, why not try out Mavis & Jonathan’s wedding attire from Hotel Transylvania 2. For Mavis, all you ladies can just pull out your little black dress, add a veil and some fake vampire fangs, and you’re good to go. As for you fellows, it’s not prom season, so you should be able to pick up a tux pretty cheap. Just add a carrot-top wig and and you’re ready to walk the aisle. Or your neighborhood streets as the case may be. Not only will you make a lovely couple, but you’ll be a shining example of how love can overcome all the problems a mixed-marriage might present.

And finally, if you need something for the whole family, why not make yourselves up as the stalwart heroes from Big Ass Spider! Between Goodwill and the Dollar Store (again), these outfits should be fairly inexpensive to throw together. Of course, one of you might want to dress up as a big ass spider so everyone gets the point, but thanks to the Internet…

…that should be no problem. So, not only can the whole family participate, but you’ll be making a statement on how everyday working class guys and gals are just as heroic and worthy of praise as all those folks flying around in capes. You know, kind of like how the apostles were.

Well, hope this gave everyone some useful hints for costume ideas this year. Until next time, Happy Happy Halloween everyone.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #21 – YETI, GIANT OF THE 20TH CENTURY

As those of you who follow me on Facebook or Twitter are well aware, I stumbled across this little gem on YouTube over the weekend…

Yeti, Giant of the 20th Century was the Italian entry in the international stampede to cash in on the popularity of Dino De Laurentiis’ 1976 remake of King Kong, a surprisingly crowded field that included the likes of Hong Kong’s bizarre Mighty Peking Man, South Korea’s jaw dropping A.P.E., and Britain’s utterly ludicrous Queen Kong. While each of those knockoffs have something to recommend them to diehard bad movie lovers, the one thing I can’t say is that I remember any of their soundtracks. I assure you, that will not be the case with Yeti, Giant of the 20th Century. Give a listen to the movie’s theme song and you’ll see, or should I say hear, exactly what I mean…

Oh, 1970s, you’re the gift that keeps on giving. Even better than the simple fact that this exists, though, is the realization that they actually released this thing in Greece as a single. You can listen to the flipside, Funky Disco Sound, on YouTube as well, providing your heart and ears can take it.

Now I’m sure everyone out there recognized how The Yetians (most likely a group of studio musicians assembled by composer Sante Maria Romitelli) took the liberty to, shall we say, ‘borrow’ just a little bit of O Fortuna from Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. How could I? It’s not like we Americans raise a fuss over My Country, ‘Tis Of Thee lifting its tune straight from Britain’s God Save The Queen, and no self-respecting Catholic would ever say a word about Charles Gounod appropriating Bach’s Prelude No. 1 in C major for use in his Ave Maria.

Still, My Country, ‘Tis Of Thee was just trading one anthem for another, and Bach, while a devout Lutheran, accepted a commission for at least one Catholic mass, so he probably wouldn’t have been too put off by his work being used for an Ave Maria. Yeti, Giant of the 20th Century, on the other hand, is a story about a defrosted oversized beast-man, while O Fortuna is about… what exactly? You know, the tune is so ubiquitous in movies that I don’t think I’ve ever bothered to check. Wikipedia (yeah, I know, but it was quick) translates the Latin lyrics as follows:

O Fortune, like the moon you are changeable, ever waxing and waning; hateful life first oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it; poverty and power it melts them like ice. Fate – monstrous and empty, you whirling wheel, you are malevolent, well-being is vain and always fades to nothing, shadowed and veiled you plague me too; now through the game I bring my bare back to your villainy. Fate is against me in health and virtue, driven on and weighted down, always enslaved. So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating strings; since Fate strikes down the strong man, everyone weep with me!

Basically, the poem (originally written by Catholic monks, it’s a long story) is a rant against Fortuna, the Roman goddess of luck, and her annoying habit of turning on people at a moment’s notice. One minute you’re up, the next you’re down. Solomon sure seems to have recognized this sentiment when he penned in Ecclesiastes…

Again I saw under the sun that the race is not won by the swift, nor the battle by the valiant, nor a livelihood by the wise, nor riches by the shrewd, nor favor by the experts; for a time of misfortune comes to all alike. Human beings no more know their own time than fish taken in the fatal net or birds trapped in the snare; like these, mortals are caught when an evil time suddenly falls upon them.

Of course, it was Solomon who also wrote in Proverbs…

The Lord has made everything for a purpose, even the wicked for the evil day… Into the bag the lot is cast, but from the Lord comes every decision.

So, yeah, we Christians complain when bad things happen, but we also recognize that in some mysterious way, those same misfortunes still fall within God’s providence, either because he directly wills them or, more likely, because he allows them to happen in order to preserve our own free will. Doesn’t really make them suck any less, but it’s an ultimately more satisfying explanation than ascribing misfortune to pure blind chance.

You know, maybe that theme of sudden turns in fate is the reason why they used a bit of O Fortuna for the theme to Yeti, Giant of the 20th Century. After all, the big fellow never asked to get frozen in an iceberg or to get thawed out by flamethrowers and brought to civilization in chains. I mean, who could have possibly predicted stuff like that was going to happen. So it kind of fits.

Or maybe I’m just over thinking a terrible movie and they simply ripped off O Fortuna because they could. Unless Orff is stuck in an iceberg somewhere waiting to be defrosted, it’s not like he’s going to come back and complain about it.