WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. We here in the Newsreel offices took a small hiatus from the celebrity gossip circuit because, quite frankly, how much Tom Cruise can you really take without going mad? (For if you stare long enough into the Abyss, and all that, you know?) Now that we're back, we're going to shift our focus a bit and cover instead some of the news stories that will never make the front pages, the B-News if you will. And what better way is there to start than with a barrel full of monkey stories? Now off to press.

DATELINE: SPOKANE, WASHINGTON - MONKEY SAW, MONKEY DID

The Associated Press sadly informs us that "Washoe, a female chimpanzee said to be the first non-human to acquire human language, has died at the age of 42 at Central Washington University. Washoe, who first learned some American Sign Language in a research project in Nevada, had been living on CWU's Ellensburg campus since 1980. Critics contended Washoe and some other primates learned to imitate sign language, but not true language skills." You might remember that Washoe recently received a mention in our review of Deafula, so this is indeed sad news around our offices. But this isn't necessarily the end. Fr. John A. Hardon, S.J. reminds us that it is likely "pets, as pets, do not go to Heaven. But animals and such like beings may be said to be brought to Heaven because, after the Last Day, they can serve as part of the joys of Heaven." So Godspeed, Washoe, mayhap we shall meet again somewhere in the infinite.

APOCALYPSE ALERT! - DATELINE: ST. CLAIRSVILLE, OHIO - ROAD MONKEYS INDEED

The Last Judgement. The Catechism reminds us that "Only the Father knows the day and the hour; only he determines the moment of its coming." There will be signs, of course. Matthew 24:7-8 says "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be famines and earthquakes from place to place. All these are the beginning of the labor pains." But we see those every day. It's the little stuff you watch out for. Calling upon our years of movie watching experience, The Weekly Newsreel vows to keep a vigilant eye open for any small signs that might indicate the end is near.

In that vein comes this sobering news from the Associated Press. "A pickup truck pulling a trailer carrying 53 lab monkeys rear-ended a minivan and skidded off the freeway, police said. The monkeys were not hurt... The monkeys, mostly Rhesus and African Green monkeys, were bound for a Maryland laboratory, but did not appear to pose a health risk." Sure. Like we haven't seen this movie before? We here at The B-Movie Catechism have already dusted off our zombie contingency plan (slightly modified to compensate for the fast-moving variety spawned by 28 Days Later type monkey viruses) and suggest that our faithful readers do so as well.

DATELINE: THE WORLD - BY ALL MEANS, GO MAKE A MONKEY OUT OF YOURSELF

Just in case the monkey apocalypse takes a while to get going, however, keep in mind that National Gorilla Suit Day is rapidly approaching (January 31). You might have noticed, as evidenced by our reviews of Robot Monster and Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla, the B-Movie Catechism is quite fond of Gorilla suits and is in full support of this annual celebration. According to the official website, nationalgorillasuitday.com, the holiday "was invented by "Mad's Maddest Artist" (i.e., the weirdest of all the cartoonists in Mad Magazine), Don Martin...and maybe also by E. Solomon Rosenblum, a writer who collaborated with him on the 1964 paperback book, Don Martin Bounces Back!" Gifts are not mandatory, but gorilla suits are, so get yours now before supplies are gone. For daily mass attendees, however, please be advised not to wear them to church. The Catechism reminds us (of what should be freakin' common sense) that "bodily demeanor (gestures, clothing) ought to convey the respect, solemnity, and joy of this moment when Christ becomes our guest." One should be able to safely assume that this applies not only to those in gorilla suits, but also to all of the assorted clowns, mimes, transvestites, and low-ride jeans wearing skanks who have populated our pews as of late.

That's it for this week, dear readers. Remember that while an infinite number of monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time might eventually produce the works of Shakespeare, this page of ramblings was produced by one hairless ape over the course of one day. Be charitable in your judgement. Until next time, in the words of the great Les Nessman, "Have a good evening, and may the Good News be yours."