Cobra Movie Review

Cobra (1986)

Rent Cobra on Amazon Video // Buy the novel Fair Game on Amazon
Written by:  Paula Gosling (novel), Sylvester Stallone (screenplay)
Directed by: George P. Cosmatos
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, Reni Santon, Brian Thompson
Rating: R

Plot
Crime is a disease and Cobra is the cure. 'Cobra' Cobretti is a tough street cop on the zombie squad. He's tasked with protecting the only surviving witness to a strange murderous cult.

Verdict
This is pure '80s action movie cheese. It's not necessarily a good movie, but it's so ridiculous and such a great example of quintessential action movies from the time. It's fun to watch because this movie does so many things wrong that it just works. The dialog is unintentionally hilarious.
It depends.

Review
This is only loosely based on the novel, with Stallone's original screenplay for Cobra a rewrite of Beverly Hills Cop before his script was rejected and he left the movie. Stallone wanted something serious and action oriented, but the studio wanted something more comedic and brought in Eddie Murphy.
A more faithful adaptation of the novel was released in 1995, titled Fair Game, the Cindy Crawford movie. Apparently Cobra adapted the part where there was a woman that was protected by a cop. I assume the 'adaptation' was just marketing. Who knows.

Cobra follows the rule of cool to an extreme. Stallone plays Officer(?) Cobretti, a cop on the zombie squad, so named because it sounds cool. He wears a black trench coat, wears dark sunglasses even when it doesn't make sense, drive a hot rod, uses a match stick as a tooth pick, is a one liner machine, and cuts his pizza with scissors. It's more ridiculous than it sounds.

The 1950 Mercury was Stallone's own car, with three stunt vehicles built for the film. The film got behind schedule with Stallone criticizing cinematographer Ric Waite and his crew for the delay. Waite told Stallone the delays were a result of Stallone showing off for his body guards and fooling around with Brigitte Nielson. Stallone got serious about the production for a few weeks after that.
Stallone was rumored to be the true director of the film, though supporting cast and extras were forbidden to talk to him.

This is a great pairing with Over the Top (1987), another ridiculous Stallone pseudo-action movie. Check out my review. His hat is a switch!

The movie starts with a grim voice over of Stallone listing crime stats. Crime is a disease and Cobra is the cure. The next sequence is a deranged man holding a super market hostage, and while the lead detective doesn't want to, he calls Cobretti. Cobretti rolls up in his cool car, we get a close up of his boots as he steps out of the car, and he does his thing. There is slow motion, exploding fruit, a shot gun shell knocks a shopping cart three feet into the air, and Cobretti even stops for a beer en route to saving the day. This is just the opening scene.

A strong villain would have helped. There's a weird cult that kills people for no good reason. The main villain seems like a lackey, ordered around by other members of the cult, but he has a really cool knife. That's the defining trait of the villain, his really cool knife. The villain is played by Brian Thompson who played an evil alien in many episodes of The X-files.
The cult's motivation has no basis. They kill weak people so they claim, but this is just a poor attempt at a plot. This ties in to a suspected serial killer, the night slasher, that is actually the cult. Only Cobretti is smart enough to realize what's going on. This is just not the kind of movie where you should worry about plot or story. It's so thin, it's practically transparent. Also, this movie likes montages.

Everything Stallone says is a one liner. "Do you have a life preserver? Your fries are drowning." It's not how people talk.

There's a girl, a romance, and a big gunfight. This gun fight is like an on the rails video game shooter with Cobra in the back of a truck picking off an endless string of bad guys in cars and on motorcycles. To conclude the movie Cobretti punches another cop who insulted him then rides off into the sunset with the girl.