The Paperboy (2012)

Despite my aversion for Matthew McConaughey —the less I see of this guy, the better I feel— I watched The Paperboy anyway because it has Zac Efron and Nicole Kidman peeing on his face and genitals and I wanted to see what he did to deserve that. 

The story follows an idealistic reporter, Ward Jansen (Matthew McConaughey), who returns to his hometown when Charlotte Bless (Nicole Kidman) asks him to prove that Hillary Van Wetter (John Cusack), the man she met via letters and whom she is in love with, on death row for the murder of a sheriff, is innocent, and drags his college-drop-out younger brother, Jack (Zac Efron), into the investigation.

It's not the first time I see a "let's prove this man is innocent before he's executed" story on screen, but The Paperboy sure knows how to stand out from the crowd as it's very different from anything I've seen before. Unfortunately, the story is rather confused, it feels dragged and, as it progresses, it becomes less and less interesting. Also, there are many pointless subplots that kind of get in the way and distract from the main storyline.

The characters aren't much better. They are quite contrived and bizarre, they lack characterization and development —the film is filled with one-dimensional caricatures—, and they are unlikeable and difficult if not impossible to sympathize with. I didn't even care about any of them, except for Efron's Jack, who sadly isn't much more than a horny young man, and yet you care about him because he's about the only innocent person in here. 

Despite this, the actors, at least some of them, still manage to do a very good job and make The Paperboy a little more bearable. Nicole Kidman is great as Charlotte Bless, an ageing bimbo/nymphomaniac/slut who has formed a relationship with a convicted man via letters, John Cusack is pretty creepy in the role of Hillary Van Wetten, the man on death row, and Zac Efron does a pretty good job as the innocent, inexperienced Jack. As for McConaughey, he is completely wooden. 

Millennium Films

The acting, however, is not enough to conceal how trashy The Paperboy is. It just deals with racial and sexual contents in a stupid, soap-opera-like way, and there are some scenes that are beyond uncomfortable to watch, and I'm not talking about Nicole Kidman peeing on Zac Efron, but Kidman tearing the crotch from her tights so that John Cusack could masturbate in front of everyone else.

Serenity (2019)

I read something about a brilliant, mind-blowing twist on Twitter a while back so, despite my aversion for Matthew McCounaghey, I decided to check out Serenity. And now I don't know how I feel, whether I'm angry about the fact that sarcasm doesn't translate well over text or astonished about the fact that some people actually believe that was a clever twist. 

Anyways, the story follows Baker Dill (Matthew McConaughey), a down-on-his-luck fishing boat captain who is obsessed with catching "Justice", a giant tuna fish (no, it's not Jim Halpert). One day, his ex-wife Karen (Anne Hathaway) shows up and offers him a deal, $10 million to drop her new, violent husband, Frank (Jason Clarke), into the ocean for the sharks to feast on him and pretend it was a fishing accident. 

The thing I just can't understand is how you go from creating something as brilliant and compelling as Peaky Blinders to creating something as horrific as Serenity, and that's exactly what writer and director Steven Knight did. In here, he delivers a predictable and ridiculous story that makes absolutely no sense, filled with so many incongruencies and plot holes you could make a sponge out of it, subplots that are introduced only to be forgotten, and a twist that, god, it's so weird and random and ludicrous.

As if the awful plot wasn't enough, Serenity also has tremendously one-dimensional, hollow characters who deliver the corniest and most unrealistic dialogues ever and whose interactions are some of the most illogical I've ever seen.

The cast, on the other hand, does a tremendous job as their performances fit the script to perfection. Matthew McConaughey gives such an amateurish performance it's embarrassing, and he makes it incredibly hard to believe that it's an Oscar winner you're watching. Going around shirtless and butt-naked, that's something he's very good at though. Anne Hathaway is just as bad with a performance that seems like a noir parody gone wrong. And I'm sorry for the men, she does not show her boobs, for some unknown reason she has sex with her bra on. Actually, there's a reason and it'd be even more fucked up if she took it off. Jason Clarke does a great job though. He plays the abusive husband so well you really want to see him at the bottom of the ocean. Or maybe you just want him dead so that this dreadful film will end. Either way, you will hate the shit out of him. Among the cast, you can also spot a Diane Lane paying Matthew McConaughey for sex, a sexy Djimon Hounsou as a fisherman and a Jeremy Strong wearing a suit and creepingly staring at McConaughey.

Aviron Pictures

In addition, the editing is as pleasing as seeing two dogs fucking in the middle of the road. On a Sunday morning. When you are with your mother. I know that because that's exactly what happened to me an hour before I watched the film. The cinematography is dreadful, one awful and stupid shot and camera movement after another.

It's only March but I think we have already found the worst movie of 2019. And to those saying Serenity will be the new The Room, have you lost your fucking mind? That movie is a whole different level of bad, so bad that it's almost a comedic masterpiece. This film? This is not hilarious, it's just laughable.